A Welcome Resolution
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| Statue in the Vatican Museum |
New Year’s Resolutions and I have a checkered past. For so many years I made resolutions that came from a place of self-loathing, that were unrealistic, and that I was never able to keep, making me feel like even more of a failure. Then for many years, I made no resolutions at all.
I’m still of a mind that if one wants to make changes, then one should make changes regardless of some externally imposed timeline. Be it New Years or your birthday or Saint Vitus Day or the day after Halloween, there is no inherent value in setting a starting point on one or another. Every day, every minute we have the opportunity to make a fresh start. But the New Year comes on the heels of holidays that often involve much eating, drinking, spending and carousing, so it’s not surprising that vows of abstention are what come to mind when we think about New Year’s Resolutions.
This year, however, January 1st felt like turning a page. We’ve wrapped up the process of clearing out my late mother-in-law’s home (deadline imposed by renters moving in on 1/1), and after months of being consumed with this monumental and sad task, we now have some breathing room. (Figuratively anyway, with several boxes stuff still parked in our living room.) Her untimely passing and the subsequent process of sorting through her possessions have brought much perspective.
My overarching goal is to have my life feel more manageable. Decluttering, divesting, time management, and the various steps to get our home back in order are all part of that. Unlike those unsuccessful resolutions of the past (“I will lose 20 pounds by March”), the resolve, the desire for forward motion is coming from a place of self-support rather than fear and self-denial. So this year, at the start of a calendar New Year, yes, it feels right to refocus on where I want to go and the processes that will help get me there.
My goal with the blog is to continue posting, 3-4 times a week whenever possible, and to respond to every one of your comments. And later this month, I’ll be having a handbag and accessory “fire sale” over at Emotional Baggage, my very own marché des puces.
Do you set goals throughout the year or at specific times? Do you write them down and map out the processes it will take to get you there, or do you approach more intuitively?
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Cleaning out a family member’s home is a sad but enlightening time. Sounds like you have been able to mourn but also appreciate the lessons of this time. I anticipate selling our home in next year and join you in the decluttering and divesting time of life.
I enjoyed this reflective post, and I agree: we can start fresh any day of the year. And bravo for not making resolutions that involve feeling bad about yourself! Best to you.
The whole divesting thing is like Weight Watchers: losing it is fun and maintaining is hard. After Christmas we had a lot of bubble wrap. I love bubble wrap and asked Le Duc were we could store it. “We can’t”, he said, if you want to live like this.” We put it in the building’s garbage bin and someone took it. That’s what I’m still working on, not to keep stuff for “someday”.
It’s pretty much an intuitive thing for me, but then I have no family and I’m on my own a lot so I have aplenty of time for introspection and that sort of thing – too much really.
It looks like you were forced into action for the New Year. I am still in rehab mode so have had quiet, introspective time to think of a special 2012!
Happy New Years!
I hope you will come to enter my Giveaway from Serena & Lily!
xoxo
Karena
Art by Karena
I’m sorry you had to end your year on such a sad task. I too lost my mother in law last year, and I found going through her clothes to be a sad and intimate task. It brought her so clearly into the room that it was at once heartbreaking and consoling.
While it is possible, and sometimes necessary to make a change at any time I do find that choosing a date to start, whether it be New Years or next Tuesday is a helpful part of the process.
I wish you a productive and joyous 2012.
Fall is my renewal time and I’ve gravitated to themes instead of goals.
The difference? Themes are broad based while goals are task driven.
This years them is “considerate.” When I think back on my parents and their generation, consideration of other peoples feelings and beliefs were core values.
I’m finding it a powerful, wonderful tool.
I do hope that the sadness passes, as much as you want it to. Now, as to blogging, I admire your resolution on answering comments. I have always done that but find it REALLY hard with the job. I am struggling to find a solution. I think I’ll ask everyone in my Saturday post.
I’ve never liked New Year’s resolutions, perhaps for the reasons that you mention. I find I tend to get the motivation to start fresh in the fall – maybe it’s all those years of going back to school, or maybe it’s the change of seasons and the cooler air that makes me feel more active. What I’ve tried to do in recent years is to move when I have the impulse to do something constructive, without finding reasons to put it off as I usually do, and that seems to be helping.
In recent years my goals have been motivated by events that point to the need for a change (most recently October). I’m using the new year as a springboard for planning ahead, as opposed to reacting.
Kudos to you on ditching the self-punishing resolutions.
You’ve had a lot to contend with lately and it sounds like you can see light at the end of the tunnel.
Goals should be realistic or one just feels disheartened.
I admire the fact that you reply to all the comments and I understand that you have a busy life and work schedule…how do you manage it?
Excellent resolution, and one that I am coming to as well. My parents, in their 70s, will get rid of nothing – everything is a “precious treasure” of family history to my Mother, so of course because of the mass they cannot move homes easily, or remodel easily, or have people into the basement or garage or “junk rooms”…. I don’t live like that but I’d like to scale back even more. Someday I’ll have to make that monumental clean-out myself. I fear that when it happens I’ll be so frustrated by the mass of old things that I’ll just throw them all away (and in fact, I likely will do just that).
So glad to hear you have a bit more mental space since you’ve finished managing your MIL’s effects. I can only imagine how hard that is. I don’t make resolutions on any particular date. I just decide I need to do something and get started. Strangely, many of those things seem to start at some point in January (I swear, not cuz of New Year’s).
Such clear thinking on your part…I posted my resolutions, but the fact that we are going through a difficult time with my husband unemployed may lead to an emotional baggage sale…of my home and some of the furnishings from the past…no lie here, it will be difficult, but I am focusing on it being a new start. One day at a time!!
I don’t do resolutions but I do set myself goals. Much as I love it, I’ve been thinking of blogging less to make more time for other things – like paid freelance work! – but the power of the blog is immense and no matter how hard I try to resist, I keep coming back to it.
Happy New Year!
Dear déjà pseu,
I love it, when bloggers respond to comments. It seems so very kind and respectful 🙂
One book helped me enormously with my clutter:
http://www.amazon.com/Clear-Your-Clutter-Feng-Shui/dp/0767903595
She does not need many words to get it clear.
Having read that book, I got de-cluttering in my system. it became almost my nature to live clutter-free.
Clearing a house, especially when he or she has died, can become a heavy duty. It is good to have familiy members who support you during that time.
I have 1 goal, no more internet past 10pm. Even when it means less postings, less reading other blogs … but I want to read more books instead of being online at night. And I am a terribly slow reader. It takes me forever to get through a book. Internet is so timeconsuming and leaves no time for reading books. Unfortunately, because I enjoy the blogsphere very much.
Isn’t it the same with sweets and other things we enjoy … we need to cut short from time to time.
Happy New Year to you and it must feel freeing to have finally cleared out your late Mother in law’s home. A difficult task nonetheless i would imagine. I never really make resolutions each New Year but try throughout the year to motivate myself somehow. I also wish that I could reply to each and every comment – maybe I should try to do that more – and on that note… thank you for yours to me and informing me that I had won a prize. Thank you so much, how exciting. x
Well that last comment was NOT from Mr SE but from me… Sarah (Mrs Semi Expat!) – am on husband’s computer – mine is on a complete go slow and i did not realise he was still signed in on his account!!x
I like it when the blogger responds to comments. But I know it’s time consuming also.
Resolutions are more intuitive with me – no big planning.
I’m being a rebel this year and not doing the resolution thing. I make goals all year long for myself. It feels liberating in a way~
always look forward to your posts and will look forward to them in the upcoming year!
Loss has a way of transforming priorities. Sounds like you have a clear and thoughtful path set in place. I establish goals throughout the year, so the New Year is just another time to evaluate my process. All the best in 2012!
Well done on getting your late m-I-l’s things disposed. My mother died last February, and I haven’t really tackled her room yet. But in my case, there’s no pressure, since she lived with me the last two years and we don’t really need her room for anything. I’ve left her favorite flannel robe hanging on the back of the bathroom door all this time…my brother was visiting for Christmas & commented that he liked seeing it there. Anonymous commented that her parents kept everything, and that she’d probably have to throw most of it away when the time came. My parents wanted to spare us that task, so disposed of a lot of stuff over the last few years…great, but my mom had no appreciation for vintage,& pitched a lot of stuff I would have liked to have…like her mink jacket…and that bookcase I could really use right now…oh well. Really just wish I had mom back, while realizing that my life is much easier now that she’s gone (being the caretaker is really hard!). Lots of emotional conflict there……sorry for unloading…..
@Jane M It’s always interesting going back through some of the really old family photos. Selling a home is a great incentive to declutter!
I was never big on New Year’s Resolutions and I absolutely share your view on the whole unrealistic and arbitrary timeline problem they present.
I change my life when the need arises, usually not overnight, because these are usually complex issues that take time to mature. This year’s major success was actually loosing weight during holidays as a direct result of a new approach to dieting I implemented back in May 2011.
@Pam @ over50feeling40 Thanks, Pam. You are facing your circumstances with such fortitude; I admire your strength of mind.
@Patti @ NotDeadYet Style Thanks, Patti! Happy New Year to you too!
@Duchesse I know what you mean. It’s fun to clear out, but hard to resist the temptation to replace items. Bubble wrap! That’s the kind of thing we tend to save as well.
@Tabitha Ah, but your introspections (at least those you share) are so witty and charming!
@Karena Hope all is well with you, and I will check out your giveaway.
@ellen kirkendall Thank you. Yes, heartbreaking and consoling is a good way to describe it.
@sgillie Consideration is a wonderful attribute, and I agree, one that seems to be undervalued these days. It’s an admirable goal!
@Paula Thank you for the book recommendation! I will definitely check that one out. I’m trying to turn off the computer an hour before I go to bed to carve out some reading time.
@LPC Thank you. The sadness has passed for the most part. At this point I’m just relieved to be done with the big task. I feel so guilty if I can’t respond to comments in a timely way.
@MJ Fall has always felt like my “fresh start” time as well, but this year it was hard to get into that mindset. “Striking while the iron is hot” is a great strategy for moving toward goals.
@Jane W. Planning ahead instead of reacting sounds like a very good way to approach things! Life is just too short to punish ourselves, isn’t it?
@kathy peck It can be time consuming, but I really enjoy the interaction too.
@hostess of the humble bungalow Hostess, I’ve found I have to cut back on the amount of posting otherwise I *don’t* have time to respond to comments. And I think one of the gifts of age is tossing aside those unrealistic goals.
@Anonymous It sounds like you’re in a difficult position and I sympathize. I do think sometimes people hang onto stuff as a way of hanging on to memories, and it can be scary for them to let go. Still, it can be crazy making.
@K.Line Mental space, yes. It’s good. Most of us seem to have some kind of natural rhythm, where certain times of the year feel ripe for making changes.
@coffeeaddict First, congratulations on success with your goal! And you’re smart to recognize that many big changes take time and are accomplished in baby steps.
@That’s Not My Age The lure of blogging definitely has a strong pull! Hope you find a good balance for you between the blogging and freelance work.
@Ursula Hi Ursula. “Just a blog,” perhaps, but I do put a lot of work into writing it. By licensing this way, I intend to discourage anyone from appropriating my work and putting their own name to it. (This has happened to other bloggers I know.)
@Semi Expat I guessed that was you! Got your email, will get the book sent out right away. Keeping ourselves motivated really does take continual effort, doesn’t it?
@fashionoverfifty Good for you! I’m a great believer in doing whatever feels like supporting ourselves. And thank you.
@The Style Crone That’s very true. Loss does serve the purpose of making us refocus our attention. All the best to you too!
@Susan Tiner Susan, this new year feels more like a transition than usual for me, and has made me focus on the present and future. I wish I had *more* time to blog as I find it very sustaining.
@pinkazalea That sounds like a healthy and productive way to approach resolutions. A serene, beautiful life is indeed something worth striving for.
@Jill Ann If having her things around is a comfort to you, then no need to rush the clearing out. It’s a shame they didn’t involve you in helping to go through their things though. It’s fine to express your feelings…this is a VERY tough and loaded topic! Hugs to you….
;)I have to ask this… It’s just a blog…WHY this;
“All original content property of https://unefemmenet.wpengine.com This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 3.0 United States License.'”
Like you, I don’t like to wait for New Year’s to make changes, yet feel the pressure to at this time, feel the marking of time every January.
Susan, you’ve been through a lot in the last year. I wonder if you might need a break from blogging, perhaps a month or so? It’s just a gut feeling, maybe I’m way off base.
Yes I enjoy making resolutions and New Year’s Day seems to be as good a time as any. I don’t make resolutions of the shaming kind. But I do take a look at my life to see if it’s going in the best direction. My resolutions this year are to stop criticism and negativity, practice acceptance, be a better friend, decrease mindless activities (TV, web surfing), read items of more substance, add yoga or Pilates, and to learn more about investing. Reducing clutter and spending mindfully are ongoing. As are so many other habits in order to live a serene, beautiful life. I enjoy reading the comments of others and wish you and everyone else a rich and fulfilling year ahead.
I´m late, sorry.
Your resolutions are very good.
I appreciate a reply for a comment I make. And I am anxious to see your sale!
I know, that I am not able to keep my resolution of thinking before acting. Yet I listed it as one of my promises.
The other two are, trying to be a better mother and a better wife.
Time will tell..
Your posts are such treasures–even a few would be plenty. So thanks–and please–no need to reply.