Class Act

When I was growing up, “class” was something we were taught to aspire to. Having class implied a certain level of refinement, manners and education. In my mother’s parlance, the opposite of classy was “tacky” and was exemplified by loud gum chewing, too-tight clothing and overdone makeup or jewelry. But sometimes the distinction was a matter of degree too subtle for my young mind to grasp. Jackie Kennedy’s faux pearls were classy, the huge rhinestone costume brooches (which I loved) worn by our babysitter were tacky. A slight bouffant hairdo was classy, a full-on beehive was tacky. A quiet chuckle was classy, a loud chortle, tacky. The old definitions of “class” seem ossified and elitist today, a quaint artifact from ancient times. Class has fallen out of favor.

In fact, we’ve swung to far the other way in our ME-First!, trash-talking, nothing-succeeds-like-excess, Reality TV-ized world where Bling is King, Catfights are Cool and Manners Drool, that une femme thinks it’s time for a return to the aspirational ideal of Class (or Manners or Civility or whatever you want to call it). I’m not talking about a revival of that old classist ideal I grew up with which was dependent on breeding or money and enforced through snobbery, but rather one that comes from actions and attitudes; a more democratic Class that we can all work toward and achieve. A modern interpretation of Class isn’t about having a finishing school education, the “right” clothes, or even knowing which fork to use (though I’m all in favor of basic table manners), but about integrity and doing the right thing. When I think about Class Acts, here some things that come to mind, as always in no particular order:

  • Honoring your obligations. (showing up on time, following through with what you’ve promised.)
  • Taking responsibility for your actions and mistakes.
  • Keeping your cool under pressure.
  • Graciously accepting a compliment without a qualifying statement after “thank you.”
  • Giving honest and heartfelt compliments.
  • Being conscious of the people around you. (Holding doors for those behind you, offering to help someone struggling with packages, not cutting right across another’s path.)
  • Treating clerks, cashiers, janitors, bus drivers, waitresses, postal workers, the people on the other end of the 800# customer service line, and your annoying co-workers with courtesy and respect, and remembering that they’re people too, not just robots serving your needs. (Also, not talking on your cell phone while conducting a transaction!)
  • Dressing in a way that shows respect for yourself and those around you.
  • Neither hiding your intelligence nor wielding it as a club.
  • Standing up for yourself without resorting to abuse.
  • Delighting in others’ joys, not in their misfortunes.
  • Being mindful that “there for the grace of God go I.” While I believe in personal responsibility and that choices have consequences, it helps to remember that the playing field isn’t level and that life throws curve balls at all of us; even those who make all of the “right” decisions can fall on hard times.
  • Rather than complaining endlessly about circumstances, looking for solutions.
  • Helping when you can: volunteer, donate.

My ever-classy readers…what would you add to this list?
~

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47 Comments

  1. alienne – well, I can’t completely wean myself off the schadenfreude either, sometimes it’s just too delicious. But I will also try to improve on this one.

    LBR – thank you!

  2. When I was in the detaxe office at Bon Marche in Paris, the BM staff person (a young woman) was completing the paperwork for a customer (middle aged woman). The customer took a call on her mobile phone, and BM staffer said, in a cool tone, “Madame, you are not polite. I am trying to help you. I need your attention.”

    I think sales and servicepeople should give what-for to deliberately rude customers, rather than the North American “customer is right” approach!

    Also
    – Don’t gossip or betray confidences
    – Take turns; reciprocate invitations if you want to maintain a relationship
    – Take an interest in others- everyone has stories and experiences
    – Do everything you can to protect the natural beauty and bounty of the world you inherited

  3. Duchesse – great additions! I think picking up after yourself in general is a classy move.

    StyleSpy – totally agree!! The wider world is not our boudoir nor analyst’s office.

  4. Voilà bien dit, Déja, toutes les qualités d’une personne bien élevée. Ca nous manque beaucoup aujourd’hui dans notre culture de ‘laisser faire’, le retour aux belles manières prendra du temps.

    Orane

  5. I like your list. Especially the one about saying just thank-you to a compliment.
    I would add: Don’t be boorish.
    Nobody wants to hear how much you’ve paid for something, or see a bunch of designer labels on display.

  6. What a fabulous post. I’ll have to think on what I would add, because you really nailed it. I so agree with you. I was raised to behave this way, and it just comes naturally to me. I don’t know why I am always incensed when others don’t behave this way, like I am suprised or something. Thanks again for a well thought commentary.
    We all could use a little more class

  7. I would remove something as personal as style of dress. I think that if you are a respectful person you can demonstrate this while maintaining your sense of style. If that means all goth all the time, so be it.

    To this I would add “Give people the time to make their point,” which is probably a natural off-shoot of your list. It’s something I’ve meant to write about.

  8. Deja, are you a reader of the inimitable Judith Martin? I agree with your post entirely and I’ve always found her writings very interesting on the subject of manners and how to live with democratic class. She has some particularly interesting thoughts on what she calls ‘deep etiquette’, very interesting.

    BTW, thank you for the Talbots tip, I’ve ordered, ahem, several pairs of shoes, hopefully they will arrive soon and fit properly and look nice.

  9. This is a great list, and I’m printing it out. It’s all I can do not to make a thousand copies and stick it on every windshield in the mall parking lot.

  10. It a pretty comprehensive list; I can’t think of anything vital you have missed offhand – I can think of quite a few people I’d like to send it to, anonymously!

    I think (hope) I already do most of it, though I do get indulge in a certain amount of schadenfreude and I complain far too much. I will try and improve on those.

  11. You, dear Deja, could teach a class on class. Great post and comprehensive list.Like others, I would like to print this and share this with people who could benefit from a class on class.

  12. It’s always refreshing to meet someone well-mannered. I would love a return to this list, especially after just hearing vile misogynist crap spewing from some fellow college students.

  13. Wendyb – the B52’s really made me appreciate the power of an ironic beehive.

    Orane – merci bien! “Belle manières,” I love that!

    Rita – yes, especially if you’re discussing anything medical…yecch!

  14. anon @ 10:02am – so true! I was raised during a time when money was rarely discussed; it was considered very rude to ask someone what they’d paid for something.

    Thomas – it’s not style I was referring to so much as *make an effort*. I have nothing against goth or punk or whatever, it beats stained sweats and some of the people I see out and about doing their errands who look like they just washed up underneath the Santa Monica pier.

  15. Julianne – thank you so much! I think it’s partly the era in which we were raised, but seeing way that rudeness and ignorance is glorified these days is incredibly irksome.

    iheartfashion – thank you!

    rhiannon – yes, I used to read her columns and found them very amusing. Let me know how the Talbot’s shoes work for you.

  16. Always send thank-you cards in the MAIL, and teach your children to do the same. My kids can’t play with or spend a new gift until they have written a card.

  17. Wait there’s more: Don’t excuse you own bad manners as
    1. A justifiable response to those of others: “What they deserve”
    2. Saying it doesn’t matter: “No one cares about that anymore”
    3. Holding up yourself/your situation as an exception: “I would but I’m so busy this week”.

  18. I would add: never tell more than is needed. I know that in our society today we’ve almost been taught to overshare. For example, when a person admires something of yours and asks where you found it, most people not only give the place, but also how much it cost or if they got a great deal. While I feel comfortable sharing those things with a very close friend when asked, with others I feel it can come off wrong.

  19. kalee – yes, we live in such a “talk show” culture, n’est-ce pas? I agree that discretion is a virtue.

    neki desu – so true, and it’s infuriating when it happens to you.

    shannon – thank you!

  20. duchesse – yes, those are good points! I think in general, don’t hold others to a standard you can’t meet yourself.

    belle – awwww, thanks!!

    tessascoffs – So true! Too many people hold onto grudges and after a while it just becomes petty. And pettiness is Tacky! ;-p

  21. Deja – here’s what I would add to the list (and maybe this is just me/my problem): when offended (truly and possibly deeply) by someone, do NOT spread it around looking for support. Do not whine and complain how horribly you have been treated. Suck it up (for lack of a better phrase) and move on. Forgive (even if you haven’t been asked to) and forget. Be the better person.

  22. What a great post and comment thread! Additions (and please forgive me if they’ve been mentioned already):

    1. Wait your turn with grace. Don’t queue jump or grumble incessantly if you have to wait 5 mins in the inevitable supermarket queue.

    2. A conversation is not a monologue. Don’t talk about yourself ALL the time–ask how others are occasionally and listen to them when they tell you. Give others the courtesy of your attention.

    3. Stop complaining about ‘boring’ social events and ask yourself what you do, and what you could do, to make them more interesting.

    I was also raised not to talk about money or ask about cost, and I’d add to that:

    3. Don’t comment about what people DON’T have; don’t remark (say) on the extreme oldness of their shoes or the meagreness of their home. I’m amazed at how many people do this without thinking and it can be cruel and hurtful.

    4. Remember that some things are personal. Questions like:
    -‘Are you pregnant?’
    -‘Maybe you’re just having a hot flush?’
    -‘Why don’t you have any children?’

    are just asking for trouble and can be hurtful and intrusive to those on the receiving end.

    Gosh, that’s me done; hope this hasn’t turned into a vent 🙂

    BTW thank you for your wonderful blog deja, I always enjoy reading you.

  23. tee – excellent additions! Whether it’s road rage or cutting in line or having a loud cellphone conversation while sitting in a cafe, what I think has been lost is our sense of community and of shared space. What seems to have replaced it is an overblown sense of entitlement.

  24. Fabulously broke – you’re welcome and oh yes, I cringe when I look back through the years and realize how many of these I’ve done either consciously or unconsciously.

    And thank you for the link!

  25. Class is a very different kettle of fish in England, much of what you have written reflects a persons upbringing, rather than class over here.
    For me this is a list of good manners, and as my Gran would say “good manners cost nothing”
    Your list would be an excellent Code of Conduct for all school students to live by, because if they do not live by such guidelines at home, we can but try to educate them at school.
    My mantra has always been ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you’
    The bottom line for me is that poor behviour often reflects poor self esteem, and that is the problem that is at the root of our class system in England.

  26. Well I, for one, am going to consolidate these additions to the wonderful list and post it where I can see and internalize it at least once a day.

    I can not fix others but I certainly can make the world a little better by improving me.

    (I do reserve the right to evoke the “All Apologies” activism if the appropriate (read: safe) moment ever arises, however.)

  27. Oh wow what a great post. I think my biggest pet peeve from your list would have to be the “talking on a cell phone while doing a transaction”. I have not only encountered this while working in sales myself but I see women in particular doing this ALL the time. It shows complete disrespect for sales people. Another thing I would like to add to your list along the same lines as not talking on your cell phone while dealing with a sales person is turning off your ipod mp3p player while talking to people. It all boils down to giving people you are dealing with 100% of your attention.

  28. You have the best lists! I have a suspicion that by doing this you are making the world a little bit better.

  29. Oh, I am so enjoying your blog!
    Here are two from my father:
    People are like motor cars, the cheaper they are the more noise they make.
    Always do the right thing, even when it seems futile. At least that way you’ll live without regret and be satisfied that you did your best.
    My own personal one?
    Ask God for forgiveness with humility.
    Forgive yourself with love.
    Forgive others with grace.
    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and pledge to do better next time.