Encore: Walking The Line

(Originally posted December 2011.)

Personal style has often felt to une femme like more of a balancing act than anything. We have to find and walk that fine line between too dressy and too casual, too conservative and too trendy, too loose and too tight, too somber and too bright, too “done” and too “laissez-faire,” among other considerations. And the line shifts with our life circumstances, geography, budget, and philosophy.

But the line that seems to demand increased attention, especially as applied to les femmes d’un certain age is that line between “trying too hard” and “letting oneself go.” Crossing this line in either direction garners sharp cultural disdain. It’s about more than appearance; it’s also about enforcing cultural norms and behaviors. That said, we still have to live work and function within our own cultures, workplaces, communities, and while I’m not advocating mindless conformity, most of us who are interested in style as personal expression want our message to be understood.

Last week Lisa at Privilege wrote a beautiful post (but her posts are always beautiful) about, in part, walking that line, as manifested by her long grey hair and flare leg jeans. I love what she says here,

One could also, however interpret “letting oneself go,” to mean letting oneself go – forward.

That right there, that’s the crux of it, that true north to help us find and walk that line between “letting oneself go” and “trying too hard.” Is our style moving forward with us? Because life doesn’t go backward. Trying to dress to recapture who we were in the past, that’s where we tend to veer into “trying too hard” territory. (My own style journey has been sidetracked at times by nostalgia, wanting to recreate an adult elegance as perceived through a child’s eyes.)  Are we dressing, wearing our hair, making choices based on who we are and how we live our lives today, and moving into the future?  

I’ve always asserted that my goal isn’t to look *young* but rather to look *current.* I’m fine with looking my age; I just want to look vital, engaged, vibrant, my best self at whatever age. That doesn’t mean following every trend, but rather selectively incorporating those larger shifts in style that seem to occur every few years, while at the same time retaining the roots of what make my style my own. So sometimes a trend piques my interest, and I’m willing to give it a try if I believe it might jibe with my taste and style. As Lisa said, “I’m the boss of what 55 means.” We’re all the boss of what our age means. But you can’t be the boss of 55 or 65 or 75 if you’re trying to pretend you’re 25.

We can’t continue to hone our own style by trying to be someone else, or trying to be someone we once were. I say, embrace your age, be the boss of it and dress for it, whatever that means to you. 
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12 Comments

  1. Transitioning to being over 60 and retired was a game-changer for me. How does one “be” that woman of a certain age. What is too young or trendy? I have spent the last year developing a look and a style that finally says, “I am relaxed and I love to look put together.” I spoke with a lovely woman on Cape Cod a few weeks ago. She could have been 60, 70 or even 80. A simple crisp, white shirt- white hair soft and brushed back from her face. She was timeless and stunning. Her jewelry was fun- a chunky necklace and a few summer bangles. I want to be that woman.

  2. This post is well worth re-reading, thank you Une Femme. I believe now that I’ll never “let myself go”, but who knows how I’ll feel in ten years? And who’s to say what “letting oneself go” really means? It’s so personal. Perhaps I’ll just let my silver hair grow in and wear no makeup save for the red lips.

  3. After watching the documentary, ABOUT FACE, on HBO last week, I realized that a set of road maps for aging gracefully had been lightly handed to women through the filmed discussions with these former models. They represented a wide range of views of how to walk forward into yourself as you age. I watched how these different women have grown into graceful and dynamic spokeswomen on the beauty of living a full life. They were vibrant and active. They, like many women in our culture, walked that tightrope of decisions on what to accept and what to “slow down” in the process of physical aging. One lovely model made the following quote regarding the physical aging process, “If your ceiling is falling down in your house you fix it”. Another said she had her eyes done in as she felt her eyes made her look tired. Other, did not have anything done and felt it was not necessary. Finally, there were those who were still reflecting on the issue. They ALL looked wonderful and they all looked natural.What they had “done” or “not done” to slow down the appearance of aging was not the most important feature of their lives. It was not that important and it was a personal decision. Living a full and active life was the priority. Looking forward and not back was the message I heard. They modeled for us once again.

  4. These are great thoughts to bring back for discussion. I still look in the mirror to see if I am communicating the message I really want to send. When I dress for the classroom, I want to communicate a competent, strong, in charge professional. When I dress for fun, I still want the strength and dignity…with a little fun thrown in! You are right…whether we like it or not, we must take into consideration other factors around us! But to me, that is also what makes style and fashion FUN!

  5. Such a great post. I love “We can’t continue to hone our own style, by trying to be someone else…” For me, this has been the hardest challenge. So many images on the blogosphere and elsewhere, and it’s tempting for me to try to “copy or imitate” someone else’s style. How many of us wanted to try to look like Ines after her book came out? Well, I’m not the same height, body type, coloring or any of it – so while they were many great style tips in the book, in the end, I’m not her.
    Just an example, but I do the best, when I listen to my own instincts about what I feel good in. And if I feel good, then I believe I look better as well.

  6. I find some realisations come in “aah haa” moments like this morning when I tried on a lovely Zadig & Voltaire T shirt. Gorgeous colour and in the sale but alas it just seemed to cling a little too much round the middle. Shame a style i have always liked I just realised I now need something a little more structured. C’est la vie!

  7. Personal style as a balancing act… it’s the ideal metaphor. (Not only when it comes to our age, but personal preferences vs professional appropriateness, or even what is expected of our body types vs what helps us feel beautiful and competent.

    It’s soooooo tricky trying to make sure we don’t get stuck in a “former self” rut. I struggle with that at times. (Maybe we should all have a virtual personal style pow-wow and share some images, and see if we’re stuck in the 90s (or heaven forbid, the 80s), or appropriately both contemporary and true to ourselves?)

  8. This is a thought provoking post. I often wonder if I am dressing as I should. Then I think, why the heck can’t I wear what I want. I don’t want to look 25, I want to look like me. If I see something I totally love and it is not indecent to wear, I am going to wear it because it will make me feel great.
    I so enjoy your posts, they make me think and I think that makes me feel young and relevant. Thank you deja pseu for making me think today!

  9. This is a good post and I think I remember it from the first time. I trust my instincts in this area – one of the benefits of maturity. Personally, I don’t like to show too much skin – dresses about mid knee, usually a sleeve or if sleeveless a cardigan or jacket. Some color around the face – bright lipstick, jewelry, or color in the blouse or jacket. Buy 1 or 2 things new every season that add an update to the core wardrobe. Good fit to clothes – always alter if needed. I’ve learned that good alterations can really take clothes up a notch. Have a few expensive things – they upgrade everything else. While cheap clothes can work on a young woman, a woman of a certain age should have a few quality pieces. The high-low way of dressing keeps it from looking too stuffy. Again this is personal, but I think good grooming is important. Not in an overly studied way, but enough to look fresh. If you’re trying too hard, it’s hard to relax. Finally, I’ve learned that it’s not what you’re wearing and it’s not what you look like – it’s the way you make others feel. So I try to dress so that I can forget about myself and focus on others.