Friday food for thought: armor for everyday life
“..fashion is the armor to survive the reality of everyday life.” I’ve always loved that quote from Bill Cunningham, the “O.G.” of street style photographers. (Though I’d probably replace the word “fashion” with “style.”) I’ve been thinking a lot about style lately: why it still matters, and the place it occupies in our lives.
With so much going on in the world today, style is sometimes dismissed as a trivial concern. Or worse, as the environmental impact of the fashion industry becomes more fully understood. But I think style (as distinct from fashion) can be a way to understand and uplift ourselves and others.
Dressing for (and with) respect
Every now and then, I see or read something that really crystallizes and brings clarity to my thoughts about style.
Have you been watching Season 2 of FX’s “The Bear?” (It’s available on Hulu.) In broad strokes, it’s about a high-end chef and his team in the process of transforming his family’s beef sandwich spot into a fine dining restaurant. It’s intense at times, and really captures the frenetic feel of a commercial kitchen. If you haven’t seen the whole season yet, here’s a SPOILER ALERT 👇 (You may want to skip this section…)
“Cousin Richie” is one of the show’s main characters. He’s a a lost soul, and a bit of a n’er do well, with a lot of anger. Early in Season 2, he talks to his cousin Carmy (the main character and “The Bear” of the title) about not knowing what his purpose is, or his place in the restaurant, his relationships, and the world. He’s always dressed in clothes that look like they were picked up off the floor, or fished still dirty out of the laundry hamper.
To help train and prepare him to work in a fine dining restaurant, Carmy sends him for a week of training as a “stage” (intern) at another high-end, Michelin-starred restaurant. For the first days, he’s assigned what he feels are menial and meaningless tasks. And is angry about it. But as the week progresses, he starts to open up and understand why certain details matter, and why the people running the restaurant care so much about getting it right.
Flipping the switch
Finally, he’s ready to train in the “front of the house” and is given a suit to wear. “It feels like armor,” he says to his supervisor. “It is,” responds the supervisor. The suit is transformative for Richie. He becomes a different person, one who respects himself and others. When he takes himself seriously, he gains the sense of purpose he’s been seeking, and discovers not only his strengths but humility and openness.
“I wear suits now,” he tells his co-workers when he returns after his week of training. His vision of himself has changed, and he dresses (and acts) accordingly.
Style is a message we send to ourselves
No, I’m not saying we need to wear suits, or dress for anyone else’s approval. Or that dressing a certain way is all we need to find meaning. And I’m certainly not suggesting we forego comfort. But when we make the effort to dress with respect for ourselves, and in alignment with our values, it can be transformative.
Even though I’m spending more time at home now and have a mostly casual lifestyle, I find that dressing consciously and deliberately makes me feel more “present and accounted for.” I have a more positive attitude. And I’m more focused, and better able to stay on top of other details that need my attention.
Style can be a form of self-care, and that’s why I think it still matters. You don’t need a huge or expensive wardrobe, or follow trends if they don’t suit you. It’s really about wearing what makes you feel like your best self on any given day.
What do you think? Do you find that getting dressed with intention helps your outlook and focus?
Stay in touch
Sign up to be notified of new posts and updates from une femme d’un certain âge.
Yes Chef!
Loved this column & agree with you. The old saying of ‘if you look good, you feel good, really applies. I always find if I put the effort forth & dress better, my attitude changes. Plus wearing the best colors for me is transforming. Thank you for the great column as always!
I have so many questions on the finale of ‘The Bear’ – hurry up Season 3!
(The guest spots so Jaime Lee Curtis & Olivia Coleman were outstanding!)
Excellent post today; one of my favorites ever. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you.
My comment is short. I totally agree.
Greetje
A question….. I can never find “the comments” in your website! I was intrigued by your write-up this morning and by your observation of style being a means of self-care, helping our outlook and focus as we each maneuver thru our day! You had asked the ladies what they thought! And I was curious what others would say as well! But I can never find people’s comments! What am I doing wrong? Thanks much! (And I really do enjoy your blog writings and your style perceptions, by the way!!)
Best post ever. Thank you for this, Susan.
Hi Susan! One of the comments from Annie in your video was — your earrings are your rank. I subsequently wore some power earrings to a school board meeting. Today I am taking son #2 on a college visit and decided to dress up a little — a linen shirt, chinos and hiking shoes. Does a linen shirt go with hiking shoes? Well, I am doing it.
Have a great weekend. I will come back for the tv spoilers later.
Susan, thank you for this column today. I still miss Bill Cunningham! What a good quote. I agree with you completely about dressing for ourselves being a form of self-care. Selecting our clothes for the day is worth the few minutes it takes to select those items that feel good and fit our needs. Sometimes it’s easy and sometimes it takes more thought, but it’s always worthwhile. Thanks for your blog.
Karen
Great post! Thanks
I completely agree with you. Excellent analogy with “Richie” and his transformation.
Nailed it! And especially with the metaphor from The Bear. That scene really touched me and reminded me how much our clothing is a self expression. Sometimes from the outside in, and sometimes from the inside out ❤️
Susan, what a beautifully expressed philosophy on what really amounts to self love. I could not agree more — and obviously others do also based on the flurry of supportive comments. Self care takes many forms, and dressing with focus and purpose can feel as good as a nutritious meal or a good night’s sleep. I am so glad you took the time to put your thoughts into words. Keep putting it out there! You’re a great advocate for women. Thank you for all that you do.
This is an excellent issue and topic. I absolutely agree that how I dress, as you say, helps my “outlook and focus.” We literally are part of our environment, and we make choices about our environment that project our image outwardly and inwardly. And our environment affects our state of wellness.
Thanks!
PS That’s a very nice suit btw
Susan, wow! Just wow! Love all this! (Although I skipped the synopsis of “The Bear” so I can watch later, LOL!) Your words are so true. While I confess I don’t always do the best job dressing for myself, I do try to “show up” when it matters. Even when my spouse and I are going to a casual spot for dinner, I feel better when I’m wearing something that looks casual but nice. We never know who we will see. My spouse, however, works from home, so when we head out for dinner, just goes out the door in the slouchy, worn athletic pants that’s been worn all day. The pants don’t look particularly nice, and they certainly don’t say “I’m showing up for myself.” I’ve tried to gift nicer casual pants (Athleta has some great casual, nice looking pants), but those tend to be worn for “nice” events. So frustrating! But love wins out always. Thank you for all you say and write!
Susan,
Your necklace and bracelet are beautiful! Are they currently available?
Thanks so much, Kathy! The necklace is a custom piece from Tarra Rosenbaum. Bracelets are here: https://bit.ly/3oq6v4D (And here’s a more budget-friendly option: https://bit.ly/43s2DP1 )
Thank you Susan! I just discovered Roxanne Assoulin. She has an adorable “Mamma” bracelet that I plan to get my daughter when she has a baby in
August (first grandchild!). The budget-friendly Nordstrom necklace is nice – might just add that to my Anniversary sale purchases now.
This is a ps to my ps:
Occasionally, you’ve included some men’s clothes and some nice pics of your beloved in them. As someone who thankfully still has her “homme d’un certain age” I would like to see you include more of those. Thanks!
PS Please continue to occasionally include some suggestions for our “hommes d’un certain age” as you have in the past with even a pic of your beloved wearing them, particularly shirts/tops in natural fabrics and comfortable pants. Thanks!
Another blogger, Susie Wright did a piece on men’s fashion update. It may inspire you as you can give helpful input to your man without being too fashion forward. Maybe a good clear out of your hubbies closet is in order? Her website is: https://sosusiewright.com/.
Susan, I would welcome your take on men’s fashion update too, as another point of view and suggestions are always appreciated.
My guess is that you missed the message earlier in the year when Susan noted that her husband is battling ALS. Accordingly, I believe it is inappropriate to ask her for photos of her husband modeling menswear. Just thought I’d mention this as I’m sure you were unaware of the situation. We are fortunate that Susan continues to provide meaningful content on a regular basis in spite of tough circumstances. My hope is that she takes best care of herself and if/when she needs to take time off that she will do so without a second thought. Peace be with you.
I loved the Richie storyline in The Bear. I find for myself that even when I’m having a bad day, I always try to look my best…..makeup, clothes, the whole nine yards. It never fails to make me feel better.
Thank you for this very thoughtful piece, Susan.
Absolutely. Clothing can transform you the minute you put it on. It telegraphs your energy and confidence (or lack thereof). And, I too miss Bill Cunningham. 🙁
What you said is true. I would like to add “appropriate ” to “style”. It seems that nothing is inappropriate anymore. In what I assume is an effort to be comfortable, people dress in shockingly bad “style” at weddings, funerals, religious ceremonies, workplaces, schools, and the list goes on. Bravo to those who know and wear their style. But there are, and should be, limits.
Facing my 74th birthday, I have been consciously thinking about the importance of being present for the day. About two years ago I look a long, hard look at the clothes I wear daily. First, my life is the gym, errands, 2-3 lunches out with friends a week, 3-6 meetings a month and walking my dog. Yes, I still need a good suit and 3-5 day dresses. But otherwise I try presenting myself as a positive force in the world and to stay current, travel and be kind. This is now my job and I am starting to love it. Your blog,which I have been reading for at least 10 years , has evolved into a real mainstay of my day. Thank you.
Beth,
Your post about “being present for the day” spoke to me. My experience has been that a change in lifestyle determines some changes in clothing style, similar to what you describe—exercise at home or a walk outside, gardening, occasional visits with friends, some travel, and so on. I, too, appreciate Susan’s blog and particularly her thoughtful posts about issues like this.
Susan,
Faboulous post on a tricky subject. Well done.
Sandra J
I know that my style gives me confidence. Style maketh the woman!
BINGO.
Thank you! Thank you! Great column.
Absolutely agree! I see this transformation all the time in my volunteer work at Dress for Success. It’s so rewarding when a client first comes in wearing her tee and leggings (usually), and at the end of her appointment she’s wearing her business suit and blouse with the purse & shoes and looks like a different person. And she feels like a different person too! Quite often the ladies get weepy, looking at themselves in the mirror, and the increase in confidence is amazing.
What a wonderful organization…thank you for volunteering for this program. I try to make an donation every year when Talbots runs their campaign. Often wondered how to get involved.
Cheryl, if you have a local DFS branch, contact them about volunteering. At our location (Houston), we have volunteer “personal shoppers” who help the clients choose outfits, but other volunteers help organize donations & maintain the warehouse, or work the reception desk, or assist with the ongoing programs we offer (financial literacy, computer skills, interview skills, etc). It’s a lot of fun!
I agree! Great post Susan and love the nod to Bill Cunningham. Always looked forward to seeing his photos.
Susan this is a beautifully thought out and expressed post. I couldn’t agree more.
Absolutely! I agree completely.
Absolutely – bang on – I am so pleased you wrote this post. Dressing or style is a form of self expression and a way we “show up” for ourselves. And when we show up for ourselves others can sense that too and they will have a greater understanding of who you are. It is so respectful to ourselves to make the effort to put our best self forward. I know I feel so much better to dress with intention and I make the effort every day.
Love this. It captures the idea of style in a way that matters existentially, rather than simply reflecting our love affair with shiny new objects and what others think of us. After all, it really is part of those big-league, personal questions – who am I, what do I want to say, what do I value, and what makes me happy? That elusive feeling of looking in the mirror and saying yes, this is me, is permission (which we can only grant to ourselves) to take up space in the world, exactly as we are. Great writing. As usual.
Wendyloch,
In your post you capture the larger issues around personal style. Your questions, “who am I, what do I want to say, what do I value, and what makes me happy” and your remark “looking in the mirror and saying yes, this is me” particularly resonated with me. And I completely agree with your last comment on Susan’s great writing!
I absolutely agree with you! I’m glad you posted that today. Wasn’t feeling the best (sinus infection), today, and your post made me rethink what I would have just thrown on. Instead, I put on a new, navy and white patterned cropped jogger, with a white T, some silver Fitflops, and metallic earrings. I actually, now, look like I feel pretty well! 🙂
I had some thoughts about this same issue while strolling through the sleepwear section of a store this week. I’m not a matchy-matchy person, but since when did sleepwear become a case of throwing on any old mismatched tops and bottoms? I wouldn’t head out the door in a ratty old T-shirt and whatever bottoms I could grab, so why would I go to bed this way? Why would I buy a hideous ensemble like this from a store?
Maybe I spent too many nights outside in my night clothes, after the city enforced a total evacuation policy whenever someone pulled the fire alarm at the university dorms. Those years are long past, but I went online and ordered some proper sleepwear sets from a lingerie store during the summer sale. Not fancy, not risqué, but respectable, just in case! 😉
I loved that “I wear suits now” line (I love everything about The Bear). It kind of reminded me of when Niles decided to be handy and said, “I’m handy now.” (Of course, in his case, he was NOT.)
I went to see a production of The Scottish Play last weekend with an all-Black cast and the wardrobe was fantastic. It was much modern, and I turned to my husband and said that Lady M’s outfit in one scene – a lovely black jumpsuit with a purple duster over it – was reminiscent of Dorothy in The Golden Girls. He chuckled and said I was right, and then I realized – I LOVE that look! It seemed strong, powerful, and elegant.
I ‘m a fan of Maude and Dorothy. That look has cemented itself for me as the sign of a woman who knows her own strength. I would be honored if someone told me I dress like either one of them, or Bea Arthur herself.
Dressing with “intention” has always been a priority for me. In my early seventies, however ,it has become more and more challenging to find flattering clothing even at a higher price point. And not look like a grandma (which I happily am!).
Susan, this post really puts the style issue in perspective, especially your remarks about style as a form of self-care—wearing what makes you feel like your best self. And in response to your question, I find, too, that making that effort results in a positive outlook and supports focused activity. Thanks!
Great post, Susan. I agree with everything you said here. Hope you and your loved ones are doing well.
Love your thoughtful comments. I too try to maintain a daily look above completely casual or housework/gardening mode. I don’t feel I am ready for the world without a little makeup, neat hair and nice clothing. Some of my motivation for this comes from following your blog, Susan. Thank you! I am grateful that when I retired 18 months ago, I did not donate all of my work wardrobe which was mostly business casual. I still wear much of it, and it makes me feel as though I am still “in the game”. I would also welcome your take on men’s styles. Yesterday I was shopping with my husband who rarely buys clothes. I found a beautiful shirt which he also liked. He liked it so well; he wore it out of the store. My point: men like the thrill of something new and updated just like all of us. It’s a wonderful lift.
I’m not Susan but I shop men’s wear. Generally, the quality is better and the clothing is less prone to trends. My favorite shirt is a Portuguese cotton shirt from Alex Mills men’s wear.
One of your best posts…ever. I totally agree.
I’ve been rotting through the Nordstrom Anniversary Sale this week, and realizing I already own most of what I’ve put on my wish list. So…your rumination about what style really is hit home for me.
I was raised in the NE, where you could/can get away with minimal makeup when running errands ( Jersey Girls, feel free to correct me). I live in the South. Ow and I’ve noticed the women here generally take much more care of their looks when they go out..even a grocery store run means lipstick and mascara, as the minimum. So, I’ve evolved….
And I find when I make that little bit of extra effort, I feel better about myself. Even if I’m just in jeans and tennies and a t-shirt, some makeup makes me look better and feel better. And I make sure the jeans are pressed, the tee is tucked in, and the tennies are clean. I look pulled together, even if I’m very casually dressed.
Keep the encouraging posts coming, Susan. I look forward to your emails..as I’m sure everyone reading this blog does.
❤️
Yes, I have always lived my life this way even during that dreaded pandemic ! Thank you Susan for reminding us how important it is to take pride in our appearance.
During the pandemic, my husband and I were very much staying at home. We avoided grocery stores, restaurants, bought all necessities online. But I got dressed every day (jeans and a nice shirt, no sweats, ever) fixed my hair, put on makeup. I knew that letting myself go would become depressing, and it was my way of holding on to normal life as much as possible. What we wear and how we present ourselves matter to our mental health.
Dressing up is good for one’s mental health and outlook. Dressing up also does honour to the occasion, whether that is a wedding, a dinner out or a visit to a friend. Your clothing choices say that you have made an effort, that the occasion is worthy of effort and care, that the people you are with, visiting or celebrating are deserving of such attention. It is a sign of respect for yourself and others. You are showing up for your life and the lives of others. It may be a small gesture but I think it has significance for us all.
I very much agree with your post. When I’m home I dress very casual, because I’m outside a lot, doing yard work etc. but when I go out I like to at least look neat and tidy. It’s a sign of respect for yourself and others. I taught in a school where the students wore a uniform. On Wednesdays the students dressed in “formal” dress. The teachers often commented how behavior was better and the students seemed to take pride in themselves on those days.
That makes sense to me. Style is not fashion, or trends, but rather what works best in your particular situation, and makes you feel confident, as opposed to self-conscious. I think poise is a related concept, along with savoir-faire.
This subject speaks volumes for me. Will check out the show too! Thank you!
Love this color on you! Do you find that silver hair seems to pop with cool but vibrant vibrant tones as I do?