Closet confidential: learning to let go (without guilt)
Over the years I’ve been blogging about style, I’ve noticed that certain questions or style dilemmas come up repeatedly in comments or emails from readers. So I thought it might be helpful to periodically address those in a post. Today’s topic is about a stumbling block to effective wardrobe detoxing: guilt. And I’ll share some ideas to help you purge your guilt along with those unworn items in your closet.
How to purge your closet without guilt
A couple of days ago, I asked my Facebook readers what some of their biggest challenges were in clearing out and organizing their closets. There was one theme that came up again and again:
“But I paid a lot for that…”
My biggest challenge is throwing out/recycling an expensive item. It no longer fits, or looks good, or is in style. But it was so expensive! That’s difficult.
–Kristy
Expensive! And “Oh, I bought this in Paris!” Also, “This is beautiful! I put a lot of time into sewing this.”
–Christie
The attachment to items if I spent a lot of $ on them.
–Joan
Giving up clothes that no longer fit but that I paid a pretty penny for. It’s guilt !
–Edie
All the price tags that are still on the garments!
–Syd
Truly, I’ve wrestled with this too! I get it. None of us wants to waste money, and getting rid of items we spent good money (or time) on can feel wasteful. Many women in our age group were raised by parents or grandparents who lived through the Great Depression. They may have ingrained in us a fear of waste. Or of getting rid of anything, as you never know when hard times may return, and “you’ll be glad you kept it.”
But my Dad also had an expression that has stayed with me over the years, “don’t throw good money after bad.” In other words, don’t spend more trying to recoup a bad investment. But it’s not just about money. Aren’t we also spending time, space, and emotional energy on those unworn items we’re hanging onto?
Re-framing the issue: is it serving you now?
If you experience feelings of guilt or frustration with some items in your closet, then you may be adding to the “sunk cost” of whatever money you’ve already spent. I’d suggest asking yourself this question: “Is it serving me now?” If it isn’t useful, or bringing you pleasure in some way, then I’d venture to say it’s no longer serving you. And, therefore is an unnecessary burden.
And here’s another thought, those unworn items can teach us a lot about our style. Taking a few moments to analyze what didn’t work and why can help us narrow down what does work for us now. Sure, those can sometimes be expensive lessons. But still, not a total loss.
One person’s “what was I thinking?” is another’s treasure…
No one’s suggesting that you just throw expensive or quality items in the trash or a random donation bin. You may be able to recoup at least some of your expenditure, or help someone else improve their wardrobe (and life) with a well-selected donation.
- If you have consignment shops near where you live, try those first. Quality items (even if non-designer) might be of interest to their clientele.
- Some retailers like Eileen Fisher and Madewell (for denim) will accept used pieces in exchange for modest store credits.
- Online resale sites have proliferated in recent years. Some will handle photographing, listing, and shipping items for a percentage of the sale price (e.g. The RealReal, Fashionphile). These sites often have strict quality controls to insure authenticity of designer goods. Others are platforms for sellers (like Poshmark).
- Non-profit organizations like Dress for Success and Uncommon Threads help women in need build wardrobes for work or fresh starts. They rely heavily on donated clothing in good condition. If you’ve retired but haven’t yet decided what to do with your work clothing, these are both great organizations to consider donating to.
- Check out some of your local non-profit organizations if you’d especially like to help those in your community. Many (like Beit T’Shuvah here in Los Angeles) also have their own volunteer-run thrift stores.
I’m a firm believer in the concept that we first have to create space in order to bring into our lives that which adds quality and value. You don’t have to purge your entire closet in order to gain the benefits. Just removing those items that are no longer serving you can go a long way toward a better relationship with your wardrobe and style.
Are there items in your wardrobe you’ve had trouble letting go of? Or do you have any tips to share for clearing out unworn items?
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While it sounds silly, when we moved after I retired I found it helpful to do as Marie Kondo suggests — I thanked my beautiful work clothes that I could no longer use for their service. It really helped me let go.
I have struggled with bad buying- since I no longer have any desire to venture into a store and live the frustrating, “oh all we have in that is xls or xxl……sorry. Now I shop online at my favorite places and yes, occasionally I get a final sale item that is a no-go for me. One day in a fit of self loathing I pitched it all, tags and all- into a donation bag. A week later Iwas in the donation store looking for replacement parts for a kitchen appliance, and happened to see MY purchase hanging there, being scooped up by a lovely but struggling young woman about to go for a job interview. She squealed, OH it still has the tags!! and the joy on her face will forever be in my mind and heart. So don’t hesitate to let go of those nicer seldom worn things……….
What a beautiful story! That really touched my heart Thank you for sharing. I’m getting ready to move and declutter and that is just what I needed to hear
Great post and ideas for rehoming. There is power, too, in “out of sight, out of mind.” Why continue triggering your guilt every time you enter your closet?
There are two categories I have trouble letting go of. First, things I paid a lot for that really don’t work with my wardrobe. I have one of those I’m getting ready to donate right now. Second, clothes I love from my work life that I really don’t need anymore – I have very few places to wear those lovely suits that still fit AND look good on me! I am slowly letting go of those.
This is another great post! I have lost over 60 pounds in the past two years and have gone from large and extra large to small sizes. After being overweight for many years, I have developed an aversion to anything that doesn’t fit. So I have been purging my closet and have many, and I mean a bunch, of clothing that is too big for me and have probably six kitchen garbage bags filled. I have thought of going the resale direction, but last week I had another idea that made my heart smile.
I’m going through all the bags one more time and selecting traditional items that I am going to donate to the local womens’s shelter. This shelter assists women in abusive situations and I think that will be more fulfilling than just donating or re selling. I’ll keep you posted on how it goes.
A beautiful, worthwhile cause to donate too. Will be looking for your follow-up on how it goes. So generous of you, and good for your joyful heart.
I have a serious points and miles hobby. Selling a few items on Poshmark makes me eligible for business credit cards, which is very helpful to this hobby. Therefore I don’t mind letting go of things!
Does it serve me now, good food for thought. Thank you.
My mother, though raised during the Depression, was a big proponent of getting rid of clothes you weren’t wearing because you might be tempted to wear something that isn’t flattering and all it’s doing is smashing the good stuff in your closet.
I get rid of things if they are worn, don’t fit, wrong color, out of style,, and just don’t flatter, tired of it. FYI, my closet is not that big, so it keeps me in control of how much I buy. lol
I have been retired for sometime now, and I don’t need that many clothes as I once did. I find it easier to get rid of things if I don’t spend a fortune on things. There are such good things that one can buy and look chic without paying a ton. The sales are what helps me the most. I try to buy things that will hold up for sure, especially if I wear them a lot. I pay less for clothes that are kind of a fad item. They are easier to part with.
Looking forward to hearing all the wonderful tips and ideas.
Keeping expensive items that don’t work for you is a great example of what economists call the sunk cost fallacy. The money is gone, it can’t be recovered. So, move on. However, and this is a big caveat, don’t repeat the mistakes. I have so many friends who do a closet clean-out, donate their NWT clothing and bags, feel a moment of relief and fresh air, then go right back out and buy things they don’t need.
Continuing to think about this! I guess I came to this: What’s wrong with feeling guilt? Maybe we SHOULD feel guilt for over-consuming. Maybe guilt can motivate us to make true changes in our lives.
Agreed! I am actually getting tired of all the bloggers doing January empty your closet Blogs. Yes some of it goes to a store selling used clothing but let us not forget that a HUGE amount of clothes that are donated go to LANDFILL. I think it is time to focus on buying more mindfully in the first place. Yes there are reasons (lost/gained weight, job change, retired, etc.) to buy new clothes….I am talking about the bought it because it was “in”, on sale, my favourite colour, etc. that we should taking more thought with. Sometimes I will buy something and leave it for a day or two then take it out, try it on and evaluate with a more clear head.
Absolutely spot on! Shopping mindfully in the first place is the best form of eliminating waste.
I have found a fabulous consignment store in my area. I’ve let go of 25 pounds over the last year and seriously needed some clothes that fit, as well as empty my closet of things that no longer did (and I didn’t want to return to that size, either). They take in beautiful things, and I’ve found several wonderful things, too….as well as get a check every time I show up.
This is a thoughtful and useful post, and has helpful comments too. I like the suggestion to donate to shelters, until I had a reason to visit one it had never sunk in that the people there really had nothing when they left their homes.
I recently let go of some clothes that were special – a silk robe from China, a floor length velvet coat. I gave them to my local high school’s drama department. Great for the fancy stuff, and it really doesn’t matter how old the clothes are. They will get a lot of use.
Susan this is such a good reminder–and encouragement. I love the reminder that things we give up can greatly benefit others. I’ve noticed a couple of things about my purchases recently: I’ve been impulse buying–again; I’ve been buying things without considering my own personal sense of self. By that I mean that I am a quiet person (and shy) and although I like to dress nicely, I don’t really like being ‘shouty’, as the British say. I’ve been buying thoughtlessly for so long, I’ve forgotten how to ‘think about it’ first. Thanks again for your encouragement.
In the case of a principally classic, but colourful, coordinating wardrobe, is there a “wear on repeat” time limit on quality, well fitting clothes? I ask as, after several wardrobe purges over time (usually fluctuating weight), I find that some of the remainder I’m simply bored with after repeated wearing for a long time.
Susan,
Is this a picture of YOUR closet?
It’s lovely and organized.
Hi Nancy, yes it is, thanks!
I am donating to a woman’s shelter and they also help with people who have cancer
When decluttering my closet (and other possessions), the question that helps me the most is: “Would I buy this today?”
The answer helps me address fit, style, sentiment and investment issues. If I answer NO, I let it go. Brutal, but helpful.
Just a suggestion for those who are struggling with letting go of expensive items…I feel that I was fortunate to have been able to own it, and even though I no longer use it or like it, it can be useful to someone else. For instance, I used to wear fur coats, which is something I would never do today. I found a place where I could drop them off and they are sent to animal rehabilitation centers where they will be cut and used to comfort all types of orphaned baby animals. If not, you can sell your items on Poshmark, Threads or Ebay. Then donate the profits to a charity if you choose. I just like the idea of paying it forward in some way and preventing it from ending up in a landfill.
Oh, Susan! Your closet is stunning. That photo is the greatest inspiration of all 🙂
Excellent post, Susan. It IS difficult to part with item. I have generally bagged items and sent to Goodwill and a few items to consignment, but will now donate many of those items to a women’s shelter. Thank your readers for that wonderful idea.
And, your closet is drool worthy. I have more work to do!
Thanks for the suggestions for rehoming clothes. I can always count on your posts to be thoughtful and helpful. Thanks!
oh my gosh! Susan! the photo is of YOUR closet! I wondered when I saw the photo if that was, in fact, your closet but I forgot to ask. I’m so impressed! I wish I could have my sweaters out in the open but we seem to have moths. Now I keep my wool in cloth bags either on my closet shelves or in the built in drawers. I have too many and having them in bags makes it hard to see what I have. Work in progress I guess.
Hi Susan,
This will make you laugh, but for several years I intentionally kept a collection of clothing – I had items of my mother’s dating from the ’40’s and ’50’s and then some of my own clothing beginning in the ’60’s. Last year I found a vintage clothing store owner who was delighted to come to my house and buy them all from me, and I hope that someone who likes retro clothing is enjoying them! I took photos of some of them to preserve the memory, but it was great to have them out of my house.
I hope that you don’t mind if I ask a question about a (much) earlier posting. In 2021, you wrote about the Mother Lode Jr. backpack that you used as a carry-on. I am looking for a carry-on for a trip in February, and I am debating between the Mother Lode backpack and the Calpak Luka Duffel. Since 2021, have you used any other type of carry-ons that you would recommend?
I have another reason. Every time I see an expensive item in my wardrobe, not being worn (because it doesn’t suit me), I feel a twang in my stomach. That’s the guilt. And I rather do without that. I already spent that money, no turning back on that. Indeed I assess it (“why doesn’t it suit me?”), then feel a little angry with myself (“Honestly, you KNOW this. How come you didn’t think of this when you bought it? You felt the doubt. And when in doubt… what did your mother teach you? Don’t buy it.”) And I search for a friend who will fit and suit the item and give it away.
Greetje