Mind – Body Conundrums
It all started with the Talbot’s fall lookbook. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some very covetable pieces in there and I love some of the looks and how they’ve styled everything, but when I first viewed it, the primary and overwhelming thought that it generated was “I’ll need to lose weight to look good in those clothes.” As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve lived with the constant background noise of “want to be thinner” (regardless of my actual weight) for most of my life, and at times am able to tune it out. The last few weeks have not been one of those times. As I’ve aged and my body has softened a bit more, I’ve come to realize that the more structured, boxy pieces that I love so much conceptually really don’t look good on me anymore (if they ever did). What do look good are softer, longer pieces with some flow and drape, that skim my curves and don’t add volume. Tailored pants suits, which used to be my staple, now feel mannish and otherwise too formal for my workplace. I’m just not feeling the blazer jackets either these days, even worn with jeans. What I’ve been gravitating toward, and what’s looking and feeling best these days is a more “long over lean” silhouette.
But moving to softer pieces seems to fire up the Greek chorus in my head, “you’re Giving UP!” On the other hand, is it really giving up to dress to flatter the body we have *now* as long as we’re choosing items that appeal to us and that fit our budget and lifestyle? Am I feeling pressure to measure up to someone else’s style standards? If I could give up the fear of negative judgement, what would I want to wear? If I can put together a wardrobe of softer, Paris-worthy pieces, why do I still pine for those styles that no longer work for me short of never eating another carb and doing Pilates for three hours a day?
What about you? Do you sometimes have trouble reconciling how your head wants to dress vs. what’s best on your body? Or have you made peace?
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Yes, after a lifetime of loving fashion and style, and a love-hate affair with fashion magazines… I still cannot reconcile the interior/exterior dialogue about my own weight and body shape vs. “ideal” pictures seen, well, everywhere. But this summer I noticed that in Paris and London/Oxford, clothing retailers actually do put some thought into post-junior wear–for women older than 40 whose bodies and whose lifestyles have changed. Not everything here is a/sleeveless or short-sleeved, b/mini to mid-thigh, or c/stovepipe or skin-tight. Lots of graceful, draped silhouettes in beautiful colors and fabrics; also better shapewear. So while I wished I had lost those 20 pounds, that didn’t stop me from buying two gorgeous skirts, some scarves, shoes, and a couple of pretty tunics that I can wear now and feel great in. I have a really hard time finding such things in the States, being both short and round.
I most definitely think a woman should go with the flow. I found the Talbot’s clothing too tailored. While those clothes looked great on those models, I can’t imagine they would look or feel as good when someone is going about their normal day — climbing into cars, sitting, lifting up a child. Heaven forbid you drop something — most of those clothing items would have prohibited picking it up.
I’m all for a mixture of loose(ish) with tailored. I love a somewhat fitted cardigan with a tailored skirt.
Dammit! I want clothing to fit my lifestyle — not the other way around. If I’m going to pay loads of money for it, then its going to work for me, not me for it.
Absolutely, and it’s harder if you sew. I look and often buy wonderful patterns, but thank goodness I come to my senses before I make most of them. Sometimes I do succumb and certainly regret the time and expense. Even as a sewer it is hard to find flattering clothing for my 60 year old body.
I sometimes feel tempted by things that I know don’t really work for me, but I always end up taking them back. Fortunately, it happens less and less often!
While I don’t buy a lot of structured clothes, I do like to find ways to make elements of the newer trends work for me. So I won’t be wearing the cute jackets they’re showing at Talbots, I will be trying out heels with my dark jeans, and piled-on accessories with my knits. I’ll let you know how it goes!
I had the same reaction when I saw the ‘look book’ – and then I realized (again) that my issue is that I was equating the model being used for the shot with what is required to wear the outfit. Silly me. I have no such problems with clothing that is laid out a la Polyvore. I spot immediately stuff that I go nuts for (it’s usually color that gets me)and don’t second guess myself. So, lesson learned: Don’t look at the model – look at the clothing, read the descriptions – don’t look at the model.
whatever you wear should feel comfortable. That’s the first rule. And no, it isn’t giving up to choose a softer look, if that’s best for you. It’s possible to incorporate some tailored elements without going there completely.
NO I have not made peace with this. I am struggling with this every day. I think that is why I have bought so many new clothes. They never look right because to me ” I don’t look right.” I know it is not productive to think and feel this way, but I do. Perfect timing this post. Thank you!
I don’t buy many clothes, so I don’t struggle so much in shopping. But mentally I struggle. I used to look good in jeans, a t, and a ponytail. Nowadays, not so much. I struggle to make myself put in a little extra effort when I leave the house on small errands. I lose the battle more often than not.
Interesting conversation. I definitely have this same struggle, and it is intensifying. I am tall, so that helps, but still I see my body softening. And I wonder would losing those last ten pounds really make a difference at this point? For now, I’m thinking long over lean is good; I’m not quite ready for soft and drapey–at least not for work wear. Any clothing money I spend this season will be toward getting the key color(s) in a jacket and scarves and a good bag.
Well softer pieces still need to fit well, be well made, and have colors that suit, so I don’t see it as giving up, just adapting.
I was just perusing Bettie Page Clothing, Pinup Girl Clothing, and Daddy-Os online selections. My body will never look good in those bombshell swing-type dresses, because I’m athletic and more of a ruler shape than va va voom shape.
http://www.pinupgirlclothing.com/frankie-dress-black.html
But I can do the pencil skirts with a retro blouse.http://www.daddyos.com/retro/epr38.html
Maybe it’s time to switch to some fabulous wrap dresses?
Its not just Talbot’s, although I believe that they are changing their style to atract younger shoppers. I have found it increasingly hard to find styles that work, not only with a 50+ body but a 50+ lifestyle. Even five years go, If I needed some new clothes, I could pick a store, and come home with at least two outfits that I loved. Now more often than not I come home empty-handed. I have more money, more time and hopefully more taste and I can’t find clothes that work for me. Not only are designers going for the younger audience, they are offering styles which are hard to fit women in general. I think one of the resons we love mid-century fashion is because they were designed to flatter the female form, not challenge it.
I struggle with this as well, continually. At 57, I am still quite fit — I ran a half marathon a few months ago in a v. decent time for my age — but my middle is definitely the middle of a woman my age, and this particular woman has never had a well-defined waist at her “best.”
Another equally vexing problem is that I struggle with the distance between my visual imaginary ideal of cool, neutral sophistication with the realities of my more, um, messy?, personality — passions and exuberances for shapes and colours and textures, that the cool, chic, slim me I’d long to be shakes her head at, reminding me to “Edit, edit, edit.”
Sigh. Give us another few decades. Maybe we’ll get it right eventually . . .
My frustration is with all the low-cut, sleeveless or cap-sleeved tops and dresses, that for me then require another layer of some kind, for comfort as well as for decency. And far too many of the short-sleeved dresses have the cutaway underside (so they look like a sleeveless dress under the arm).
I’ve been transitioning away from really fitted items to more forgiving cuts, but try to stay away from too flowy (especially for work) and the “Bea Arthur” 1980’s look.
JJill’s items are becoming more and more appealing to me (similar to Eileen Fisher). Chico’s is still too ‘blingy.’ And I’m moving into higher-end jeans, which are still my default item to wear, but longer & more ‘designed’ tops instead of mini-tees.
I’m with you, finally, I’ve quit trying to be so neat and boxed in. It’s that damn tummy and extra padding on the back. However, for me, those nice tapered pants with cute flats or kitten heels. And, I’m all about tunics, loose, shear, soft flowing ones and great jewelry. I’ve gone back to a rich hippie look, not sloppy but elegant and well groomed and relaxed. I feel good, am happy, and damn, I want to look relaxed and approachable. The Duchess of Windsor of Nancy Regan look is just too stiff and old lady like.
It’s not JUST about body, is it? Depending on where you work, what the culture is there and elsewhere in the workplace, it might not be the time for tailored pantsuits. I think that’s probably more likely, no? If every single person in your office was wearing a tailored pantsuit, I bet you’d still feel great in one. But if they’re not, and the tide has moved against that look,why not move along too? There may come a day when the suits feel appropriate again, maybe not.
I kept all my great suits from my corporate days, but there are some shoes I realize I have to get rid of. They have too conservative a look, even if worn with something besides a pantsuit … my lifestyle has changed too much for those shoes.
P.S. you should get Stacy from Taffeta Darlings to make you a beautiful office-and-out-to-dinner-worthy dress like the tweedish one she made for me!
I have struggled with the “my body isn’t right” thing for all of my life, not just post-40. What’s saved me is working with a personal stylist who doesn’t tolerate any of that crap from me, thank God. And also, relying on real style bloggers who have similar tastes, bodies or circumstances to mine.
The magazines will always convey the message that you’re not right — that’s how they sell more stuff.
And I do believe accessories may just be the answer to EVERYTHING. 😉
I think that it is interesting how our attitudes about our wardrobes change according to how people are dressing around us. For work I’ve decided to keep everything as simple as possible and usually wear black knee length skirts and button down shirts, or black dresses. Even if all the girls around me are wearing flowy hippy dresses or jeans, I stick to my uniform.
In moving from a tailored to a looser look I would consider clothes by Max Mara or Etro on the high end and Eileen Fisher on the lower end. Also, have you been to a Jigsaw store yet? I love the way that their clothes are coordinated.
Oh boy every day is a struggle with my weight, I’m slim now but this is not my body.I used to be 45 lbs heavier.
I have to watch what I eat like a hungry hawk. I’m 46 now, I just said to hubby last night that I would keep this going till I hit 55 – I used to say 60 – but there has to come a time when i can actually order what I want to eat form a menu and enjoy food.
I don’t know how much is actual weight gain (or one’s perception of weight gain) and how much is a changing body shape with menopause. I have been plus sized all my life, but I suddendly had to re-learn how to dress my body as my waist disappeared. I still love tailored suits and wear them to work daily. In a sense, I suppose I do the “long over lean” look by replacing the suit jacket with a (tailored) lab coat at work except for meetings and presentations at conferences. For those our age, how much of the attachment to a tailored suit is personal preference, and how much what we learned to wear at the beginning of our work lives in order to have professional presence. I will admit I have ditched most buttonfront shirts for a knit layer, but still feel naked without the tailored jackets. I am gradually working more Eileen Fisher into my Talbots/Lauren wardrobe, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be wearing the long, draped cardigan look.
Miss J fights this body image battle nearly every day! Her grandmother is 88 and was talking about going on a diet just a couple months back. Miss J thought a couple thing: “The apple doesn’t fall far from that tree” and “PLEASE let me be less body-obsessed when I’m that age!” Miss J is lucky she isn’t drawn to a lot of things that don’t flatter her so at least that part of the battle isn’t so bad.
Oh heck yeah I fight this issue. My mind says “look for the darts,” but my body says “nope.” I still find myself shopping for the career that I gave up 10 years ago because those are the clothes that I love. But not only do I not have a body for tailored clothes, short and round, but I don’t have a lifestyle that requires it. My tentative solution. Each outfit needs to be mostly structured with one non-structured piece; or the opposite; mostly un-structured with one piece of structure. That’s how I keep my dressing sanity. So Far.
This fixation with tailored clothes is surely itself a sign of age. I’ve rarely see young people in tailored clothing, even young professionals tend to mix it up these days. Tailoring is associated with the older generation. There isn’t anything wrong with the association, but to consider wearing softer lines “giving up” seems an outdated perspective.
Movement and lack of rigidity are youthful and perhaps wearing softer lines implies something completely different than “giving up”. After all we are a long way from polyester stretch pants aren’t we?
Your post and all the comments really hit a nerve with me. I struggle every time I get dressed, buy new clothes, put outfits together, etc. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to reconcile my image of myself with reality.
i hear you! Though I am still on the thin side, I have waist issues–so I now only buy pants at Chicos (ugh), Eileen Fisher, and NYDJ. That decision has simplified my life.
I went shopping with my daughter the other day…and didn’t try anything on (well, one thing)–too depressing.
I asked my stylist–aka my daughter–what I should buy this year. Her reply: “Start wearing your jewelry! Don’t buy ANYTHING” You are so great with accessories; you have nothing to worry about.
BTW–“long over lean”–is the motto of Chicos.
I second what knolo said; I think gravitating towards softer lines is anything BUT giving up. On the contrary; it’s a more modern take on dressing, both from the sophisticated nature of the clothes themselves to the modern notion of dressing for your unique figure. And anyway, dressing more like a Parisian is so very, very YOU! You really can’t go wrong with that approach.
Focus on the fact that you would not love the boxy, structured clothes as much if they were on your figure. It is then not about the (perceived) shortcomings of your figure, but about the shortcomings of the clothes. They’re just not good enough for you, Deja!
I struggle with this daily as well, but I think the struggle is getting easier. I too tend to be attracted to clothes that don’t fit my life or necessarily my figure any more. As to whether they ever did, I don’t know.
I think the “giving up” mantra is from an earlier age, as is the fixation on sharply tailored work clothes. These were the clothes of my corporate working youth, and I am not even sure that were I still in that industry I would not feel dated now. I agree with those who say that soft is more modern, as is accepting our individual shapes and the ability to move with our clothes, as opposed to the idea of having our clothes force us to conform to some external idea.
Pseu, please PLEASE don’t beat yourself up if you are not liking yourself in various bits of clothing.
Personally I don’t see you as the Flowy: Unstructured Division type but if you want to go that way, go that way. And while you’re going that way, find ways to incorporate elements of/the essence of styles you like better and leave the rest!
That said, one of my pet peeves is the assumption that “structured” can’t also be “soft/flowy.”
Whether in knits or wovens, I often look for pieces with good movement and drape…and for me, the most flattering of those items are structured often seamed up the ying-yang.
[Flowy + unstructured is not a great look for me…though it is like catnip!]
Somewhat surprisingly, boxy items are often very *un*structured…we shouldn’t take it out on ourselves if stiff fabric + a couple of seams looks like crap on our frames!
I have to (ok, feel compelled to) share that I was searching for specific items of the more streamlined variety. Despite being someone on the smaller end of the size spectrum I had to walk away from SO MUCH in shapes that really *should* have worked because it just looked horrid on me (and I was trying on spendier stuff, just to get an idea of how things could look).
Even though I knew it was the clothes’ fault for emphasizing areas I didn’t want emphasizing, it was — as ever — very demoralizing. I can semi-handle it when new silhouettes look awful on me, but I felt like my standbys were letting me down.
I think a lot of the current cuts are just really shitty/skimpy and YES I am blaming the industry and not my body!
You were looking great in outfits posted not that long ago and whatever (if anything) is going on with your weight etc I do not believe your shape has changed dramatically.
So you can look wonderful, you just may not be able to look wonderful AND like you stepped out of Company X’s bloody lookbook. My Rx: Gnash your teeth a little and get back to exploring your personal style.
Me, I’ll be damned if I give up seeking what I like *and* I find flattering; instead, I will just become even more bitter and jaded at having to expend more time, energy and/or money on the quest, ha…
ps I second Wendy’s idea of having something custom-made for you. It is a wonderful experience (or at least outcome!).
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[sorry for all the deletes…I was getting messages saying the comment hadn’t published and whoops, it had!]
Hi, again. Now that I’ve read through the comments, I wonder if being a size 18 for most of my post-college life helped me not battle with body image and clothing styles that I like but that don’t like me.
As an example, I figured out a long, long time ago that with my very long waist and shortish legs (and more or less prominent tummy), tucking in my top was not that lovely. So I moved away from my Muffy the Wonder Prep roots, and into knits, which I’ve worn for years. The good thing about being my age is that now I can mostly afford the good stuff!
My eye is definitely attracted to clothing for a body that I don’t have. I found myself having a similar conversation when I looked at the upcoming Talbots items. Another issue is that much of what I loved in the Talbot’s catalog is not great for my lifestyle. I am so attracted to clothes that would work for a working gal. I do work, but I don’t need *office* clothes.
First, allow me to thank you all for your insightful and thoughtful comments. Lots to mull on here!
Pearl – yes, I noticed that in Paris too. Not all femmes d’un certain age are lithe, but there do seem to be some well-made, stylish, and yet forgiving options.
Who you callin’ housewife – yes, I hear you! Comfort AND style, is it too much to ask?? So many of those Talbot’s pieces I admire in the pictures feel too stiff and fussy when I put them on. And I agree with keeping the softer looks balanced with more fitted pieces…as long as they’re comfortable, which is why I’ve come to seriously rely on my NYDJ jeans!
Nancy K – I can certainly see how one could get seduced by some patterns. And then you think, well, I can just adjust a bit…
Rubiatonta – yes! I think many agreed when I first posted the Talbot’s lookbook pictures that the styling was as much of the attraction as the clothes themselves. It’s all about the interpretation. Do let us know what works for you!
Frugal Scholar – most of my pants are now NYDJ. I Love Them. I hear you about going shopping and just not seeing anything inspiring. I wish Chico’s would learn to stop at one or two design elements, instead of the animal print AND the lace AND the bling on a single piece. Some of their silhouettes are quite flattering. My closet is slowly being taken over by NYDJ and EF.
Toby Wollin – good point! I do get inspired by Polyvore ensembles. The only bit that’s a little deceptive about Polyvore is that most clothes look good flat; it’s hard to tell how something will drape on a real body.
Rita – right, it HAS to be comfortable. And you’re right that mixing softer and more fitted pieces is key.
Julianne – do you find you keep buying the same styles over and over? Have you read Imogen’s blog at all? She has some great suggestions for dressing different body shapes. A lot of what I’m finding is working now is based her suggestions.
LPC – but your look is so classic and timeless, and I think that works for you. It’s always a balance between “making and effort” and feeling overdone, isn’t it?
Town and Country Mom – I do think some height helps. The good news for you, if you’re going for long-over-lean is that you have a LOT more options for jackets now than even a couple of years ago when everything was cropped or “shrunken”.
Jeanne – you’d probably look great in a pencil skirt. And a crisp white blouse. Give it a try!
Deborah – it’s true, it’s not just our bodies that rule out a lot of clothes, but our lifestyles. The world has become a more casual place, but we want to strike that balance between too formal and too undone. Most of what even high end designers are doing seems to be intended for young club-going gals.
materfamilias – yes, you’re certainly quite fit, but I hear you about the waist. I think we all have trouble adjusting to that one. And I totally get what you’re saying about the conflict between the more minimalist/disciplined and more exhuberant selves each vying for expression.
et – YES! Why do dresses with sleeves seem to be rarer than unicorns? I hear you about wanting to avoid the Bea Arthur look. I think the key is to not go soft/flowing with both the pants and the top.
Anonymous @ 7:27a – your style sounds quite similar to where my own seems to be headed; so much of what I used to want to wear just feels so stuffy/fussy now.
Wendy B – you’re right of course, it isn’t just about the body. I really haven’t worn the pantsuits in years, but I used those as a reference point because that was the last time I felt I had a foolproof “uniform.” I’m still working out what works for me, and trying to differentiate between style fantasy and reality. And maybe I will see about getting a custom dress made. It worked really well with my ring!
Anonymous @ 7:56a – yes, working with two different image consultants has been a great help. Especially when we did the group workshop with Imogen, it helped me see that there is no one “right” body. Even two people of the same height and weight can have vastly different shapes. Accessories really are lifesavers, aren’t they?
I love the vibe of Anthropologie, especially from six or seven years ago. I’m petite though, and everything there makes me look squat and dumpy and mumsy. Now I approach Anthro the way I approach a museum: look, but don’t touch, the pretty things.
I know what you mean though. Those images we have of what’s “perfect” are very, very old, and were formed when we were so young that our bodies weren’t even done growing. Maybe we aren’t being fair to ourselves if we aren’t trying to loosen the grip that these formative images have on us, or at least to reframe them somehow so that we don’t feel like we must live up to them “or else.” In that way, it’s like me and Anthro: I appreciate it and admire the beauty while knowing that it’s not the best for me.
I don’t know. In the end, most of us look so much better than we give ourselves credit for. Are there other role models’ styles you admire that are more toward your figure and lifestyle? Personally, I love the sleek ’60s vibe of Audrey Hepburn, but none of those things suit my figure. What works — and makes me feel every bit as urbane and chic — are Italian bombshell type dresses (like something from “La Dolce Vita”) for evening. I guess I’ve sublimated the Hepburn vibe into something that better suits my body. Elegant, similar, but not the same.
This probably makes no sense.
Belle – it’s true, but I also try to be one to help set the tone in our office (being in management). Even though I now wear nice jeans most days (very dark rinse or white) I do try to look put together. For a while, most of the younger people in the office were dressing VERY casually (too, in my opinion) and I’ve noticed that most people have kicked it up a notch, and we don’t see as many ripped jeans and flip-flops. I do love Max Mara, though I haven’t found specific pieces there yet that work for me, but I’m going to keep looking. And lately I have been finding some really great, workable and flattering pieces at Eileen Fisher.
Tabitha – I couldn’t do what you do, at least not for an extended period of time. There certainly are times I wish I could. I try to balance enjoyment of food with keeping portions under control. I know I’ll never be as thin as I’d like this way, but everything’s a trade-off, I guess.
Doc P – yes, it’s not so much weight gain as shifting. I’m much thicker through the upper arms, shoulders and back than I used to be. I think you make a good point about tailored suits being what we learned to wear and associate with a professional look. It’s hard to let go of those rules, sometimes.
Miss Janey – I hope at 88, I can just let it go and order the double scoop of gelato. But good for you that you mostly like what flatters you.
LaurieAnn – I agree with your strategy of mixing tailored and non-tailored pieces. It’s funny, isn’t it, how we continue to lean on what once worked and no longer does.
I have always liked flowy clothing; my mistake was letting it overwhelm my figure. And there’s nothing wrong with “long over lean” as long as it fits well– it’s a pretty classic proportion. Love what the woman in your pic has on (it looks like something Isabella Rossellini would wear). There’s plenty of soft but modern silhouettes around. I look at boutiques like Creatures of Comfort and Totokaelo for inspiration.
LBR – and even though I do work in an office, many of those looks don’t suit our environment (pun, haha!) really either. Too formal, too “done.”
knolo – that’s a fascinating perspective and really made me re-think some of my assumptions. We certainly are a long way from polyester stretch pants!
Kathy – it’s tough sometimes, working out this style thing! Have you been able to narrow down where the differences are? What are some of your “fantasy” elements that you feel don’t fit? Is there a way you can incorporate them in a different form?
LuxeBytes – I love that museum piece analogy, and it’s one I’ve actually used with le monsieur to explain why I want to stop and look at pretty baubles I have no intention of buying. And also, I love what you said about those images of “stylish” and “elegant” having been formed during a different time and before we could sort them out for ourselves.
Veuve – I’ve always loved Isabella Rosselini’s style. You’re right, the trick is managing the volume and minding the fit.
Audi – I love the perspective of the clothes not being right for my body rather than the other way around. Why do I always forget this? And thinking of my new softer pieces as more Parisian also helps, thank you!
Mardel – something occurs to me as I read your comment, hope you’ll forgive the rumination. When I first started working, tailored clothing was aspirational, a mark of success. Those associations have hung on through the decades. I too am liking the idea of softer clothing as more modern.
Tiffany – oh, I’ve done this too! Are there some pieces you could incorporate that aren’t jeans-and-a-tee-shirt that wouldn’t feel totally out of place in your life? A skirt maybe, or a blouse instead of the tee-shirt?
Vix – wow, so much here! When it comes to the softer pieces, I’m still leaning toward the minimalist. No floral chiffony stuff. And yes, I get what you’re saying about soft AND structured, and am keeping my eye open for some ponte knit pieces as the fall stuff starts to hit the racks. I agree that so much current stuff is designed, cut and constructed quite badly, and that it shouldn’t be this tough to find good clothing. My weight hasn’t changed much; I fluctuate in about a 7 pound range, but I think it’s just the coming to terms with the fact that my body will never be a certain way that prompted this little verbal spew.
Your comment about too structured clothes looking mannish registered with me – I find them kind of uptight, stiff. Last spring I found a longish Theory shawl-collared sweater with epaulettes and bronze buttons, light weight wool in a khaki green color. It fills the need for a jacket, but is more relaxed in feeling. I don’t care for matchy-matchy. I’ve worn that sweater with white jeans, blue jeans, etc.
I had a friend who worked at a high-end dept. store. She was tall, well-proportioned, but not thin. She studied the trends and adapted the ideas that worked best for her. She didn’t copy literally, but took the essence of an idea or a piece of it (maybe a color palette, a texture, an accessory, etc.), always emphasizing her strong points (hair, skin, coloring, overall good proportions). Always perfectly groomed and chic. That is what I learned from her – to work with my assets, downplay the things I don’t like so much, and do little tweaks to stay current.
Rubiatonta – I definitely think there’s an advantage to coming to terms with one’s body and what works for us early on. Those of us who cling to a fantasy of what we “should” or might someday look like delay that peace of mind.
For me, it’s a fatal attraction to clothes that fit my figure (I’m little – 5ft 4 and about 105lb), but not my life. I’m a writer and I work mostly from home. I can go a whole week never going anywhere more interesting than the supermarket and/or a kid’s sport game, possibly the occasional interview. So really jeans and t-shirts are practical. But I don’t WANT to wear jeans and t-shirts every day!!! I don’t WANT to look as boring as my life is … So I buy clothes I love, then they hang in the wardrobe because I feel silly wearing them.
There is also the question on what it means to “give up”. Give up on trying to make a 45 or 65 year old body look like 25? That was never a realistic goal. Give up on healthful eating (NOT dieting) and exercise? Not a good idea. Give up on 70’s and 80’s notions of a “power look”? That is part of staying current. Give up on dressing to look attractive, interesting, desirable? Well, that really would be giving up.
I have always been attracted to sharply tailored clothing, very structured, lots of flat planes and hard edges. I have now finally figured out that what I’ve really been looking for is…ARMOR, not clothing. I think I have been trying to hide my issues (physical or emotional) under a blazer.
First I dressed to conform. Then I dressed in clothes that looked great on the rack, or on others. Now I dress in clothes that look great on me. And that means avoiding tons of styles that I adore and wish I could wear, but it also means I feel more confident in my style. And I feel like I am better friends with my body, if that makes any sense.
As others have pointed out, just because the Talbots lookbook was shot on a single, rail-thin model doesn’t mean all of those styles would look a mess on the non-rail-thin …
so many interesting, thought-provoking comments here. i agree with many that too much tailoring or boxiness looks fussy and old-fashioned nowadays – plus, as you’ve said, it’s uncomfortable to wear so much of the time!
i’m fortunate in that i started sewing/designing my own clothes pretty early on and saw that so many times IT REALLY IS THE CLOTHES. a few darts, change the shape of the hem, and a boxy jean jacket looks great. and so on. the only clothes that ever fit me ‘off the rack’ were vintage pieces from the 1950’s. jeans, tee, sweats, button down shirts and cardigans – all these ‘classic’ pieces are a complete disaster on my figure without ridiculously serious alterations. so i gave up on ever really looking ‘in style’ from pretty early on.
but deja pesu, i’m thinking maybe you could try structured/tailored knits? like the ponte jacket in today’s post? or a heavy silk charmeuse tailored shirt? i’ve seen really fun chanel-style knit skirts with tailored elements as well. the idea is looking for ways of combining soft and tailored in individual garments, not just in the outfit.
it’s always an ongoing process finding your personal style but so worth it. what’s more important than finding out who you are? certainly not stuffing yourself into some anonymous designer’s idea of what they think will sell next season. Keep on Keeping on, Ms. Pesu!!
Leslie – yes, that’s what I’ve been feeling whenever I try to wear a more tailored blazer. Stiff. Stuffy. Your sweater sounds fabulous. It’s great to find those kinds of pieces, isn’t it? I hear what you’re saying about taking the bits and pieces that work for us without going whole hog on a trend or style. That seems to be what French women do, n’est-ce pas?
Doc P – good questions, all. I think I still have some negative associations from a time when “letting oneself go” was almost a crime against humanity. I definitely am not giving up on healthy habits, but rather am giving up on the idea of being an angular size 4.
Sal – sometimes I think those voices of conformity planted in my head when I was young can still be strong sometimes. I’m working up some thoughts on that for a follow up post. And it’s true about the rail thin models…sometimes clothes (like the jacket I posted today) look better with some curves to fill them out! But I know to stay away from the boxy jackets regardless.
Melissa – that’s a really interesting and powerful insight! Wow!
tinyjunco – those are great suggestions, and thanks for the support. I agree it’s important to work at developing (and continually refining) one’s own personal style.
What a wonderful discussion! All of it is so true–from the frustrations of finding clothing, to questioning our design sense in a young world, to the frustrations of our changing bodies.
That said, my main frustration is the menopausal belly–can’t come to terms with it. I am lucky I still have a waist, tho, so I can wear the “tailored” pieces–and need to, in order to sculpt the soft stuff.
I have been mixing the soft and the structured for a while now and its great. I get the best of both worlds–structure yet comfort. One just has to make sure the the soft is good quality–otherwise, its something for someone younger.
I’ve made peace I just now how too much and some of it I refuse to give away. I notice when I go to France I change my style of dress completely. I dress comfortable, in more layers. All my wide leg pants come creeping out of the wood work and I think “I should dress this way, all the time” and then I go back to the US and it’s all back to normal. Standing in front of the wardrobe absolutely puzzled.