Satisfaction, Gratification, and Making Choices
This is another of my rambling, navel-gazing ruminations, so if that’s not your tasse d’espresso, feel free to skip. I’ll have some pretty things to show you tomorrow.
Many years ago, I read somewhere that our culture often confuses Satisfaction and Gratification. Satisfaction is that pleasure we get from accomplishment: from finishing a project or achieving a goal through our own efforts. Gratification is immediate reward: a new pair of shoes, the taste of a creme brulée on the tongue, a compliment from someone who matters. We need a balance between the two in our lives, and one can’t fill the place of the other. If we seek gratification when what we’re really missing is satisfaction, it doesn’t scratch that itch, at least not for long, and we keep buying, eating, consuming in search of satisfaction. (And we’re bombarded by advertising in support of this tail-chasing consumption.) Likewise, if we don’t allow ourselves immediate pleasures, we can become achieveaholics, chasing happiness by racking up trophies or promotions or balances in bank accounts.
Last week when La Belette Rouge wrote about her recent weight loss and recounted the thought processes that led up to her decision to make some changes, a couple of passages really resonated with me. First, “I simmered in a bitter stew of self-loathing, shame and inaction,” hit me like a brick. I’ve been dancing around this feeling for years, acknowledging it only occasionally, and trying to talk myself into being OK with my body at its current higher weight.
And tying into that, her words, “I am incredibly permissive with myself around food,” really brought home that I’ve been using gratification (food, shopping) in an attempt to smooth over the dissatisfaction I feel about my body. There’s a thing that dieters and people with eating disorders do, something I’ve seen referred to as “eating around.” We deny ourselves the “forbidden” food we’re really craving, then eat around our sense of deprivation with other foods that don’t satisfy, often winding up eating more calories than we would have, had we just allowed ourselves the desired morsel. I’ve been eating around (and shopping around) the issue of weight, and the feelings of deprivation stemming from not being able to wear a lot of clothing styles that I love. While I understand that I’ll never have a willowy frame, I also know that I feel too heavy in my body right now, I’m tired of dressing to camouflage everything between neck and knees, and I can no longer pretend that it isn’t really, really bothering me.
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Wishing you strength. Appreciate your honesty.
Onward to satisfaction!!!
Your post went right to my heart. I have often felt so much the same. So I will be with you, hoping this time will be different. Keep us posted on how it’s going. Being d’un certain age is truly marvelous!
I’m right with you on this one! I started my latest campaign to lose weight a couple of weeks ago. So far, I’ve lost almost 7 lbs. I’m setting small goals for myself. Foremost among them is to fit into the winter pants in my closet. Or, an even smaller goal is for a new jacket (purchased toward the end of the summer) to fit better so it will be comfortable enough to wear.
Good luck–I think you have the right mindset–which is three fourths of the battle.
We all have those things that sit in the back of our minds, those things we wish we would address and that we avoid anyway. I think it’s wonderful that you are saying this right out loud, since you are such a leader of this little style community. Feel free to post for support. It is hard. It is hard to eat correctly in America. It’s by no means all your doing and is by no means easy to correct on your own. But it’s clearly doable. One of my favorite bloggers in this arena is What A Splurge. She reminds me of you, in her intelligence.
Tell me about it – got the Weight Watchers link working on the smartphone and wearing Spanx every day!
My goal is to end this year at or below my weight on December 31, 2009.
[First off, I *prefer* your “rumination” posts! Please don’t apologize for them.]
I am behind on LBR, but am sure she has interesting things to say on the topic of nourishing oneself — as do you.
The weight/body acceptance thing is such a loaded topic; you’ve gotten lots of support on the “self-acceptance at heavier weight” end of things, so I hope you’ll continue to have support as you attempt to make lifestyle changes.
[You do from me.]
I will happily admit that as I am not highly evolved, I’m envious of people who are effortlessly anything our culture values — moneyed, brilliant, thin, beautiful, beloved, talented, athletic, etc etc.
But as you noted, most of us mere mortals have to work for it, ha!
To maintain within my usual range, I am never hungry (for long!), but I am often “deprived” by my definition. [20 years and counting of minimal alcohol and desserts, lots of hearty-but-healthy Mediterranean-style eating, and regular exercise ho hum ho hum.]
As always with anything that requires WORK, I prefer the outcome to the process.
So I think you are wise to acknowledge the tedium of planning and choice-making and reminding yourself of trade-offs/balance.
I mean you can always stop and say, “screw it…I’d rather NOT make the effort” — which as you probably know is part of the process! — but I think it’s great that you’re experimenting with what might work for you.
[And maybe you’ll find living with new habits is the opposite of tedious, in which case I reserve the right to envy YOU!]
Your post reminded me of all the discussion about Bill Clinton’s losing weight for his daughter’s wedding and how he’s ‘going vegan’ (or close to it)because he wants to test the idea that it will clean out his arteries. Sometimes we have to be really direct on making choices. I think it’s possible that former President Clinton got handed the choice of not being around to become a grandfather, and his dietary choices have now become slim indeed. I vacillate between “there’s nothing I can do” and “I haven’t been doing anything at all”, so I think I have to take a very serious look at what I’m doing these days.
Thank you so much for this post! I have been struggling with my weight for the last year (53yr old) and am so disappointed in how I look lately. I buy cheap clothes all the time, so that I will somehow love and respect my body more, at least I think, but it hasn’t had that effect. I truly believe that if I lose those 10 lbs (currently 150 and 5’6″) everything will look great on me, including all those cheap clothes. It isn’t the clothes, its me. I want to focus more on satisfaction and not gratification. Your post really awakened me and helped me to see myself more clearly. Thank you ever so much.
“eating around” — Ha! I did this recently when I wanted a donut. I ate everything in the house and then went out and got the donut anyway! Next time I’m having the donut immediately.
How honest and open you are here…I feel that you have let us in a little closer to knowing you.
I too have weighty issues, I wish that they would magically disappear…walking is helping but the facts are that I am still overweight.
I battle with joining a diet program.
I wonder which diet program is the best…are you doing Weight Watchers?
Good luck!
Oh, I’m sorry you feel this way! I actually think you sound happiest in your posts when you ARE more accepting of your size and shape, for instance in the post about family photos and hearty peasant stock, or in the one that insists that a “new body” is not the same thing as a “new self.” Of course, all I know is how you sound on this blog and you may be being miserable the rest of the time…
The important things are happiness and contentment, however you think you can find those.
Who you callin’ housewife – thanks so much!
Maguerite – thanks; I’m so glad this spoke to you. Good luck to you too.
Susan – good for you! I agree that the small, manageable goals are crucial.
LPC – thank you. I’ve been feeling conflicted about this for a long time, and am glad to have just ‘fessed up. You’re very kind.
Carole – best of luck to you. Having a clear goal is so important!
Best of luck! About two years ago, my husband and I went to Miami. I remember looking at the pictures and thinking,”Gee I thought I was thin, but I’m really kind of fat!” Yikes. So I went to Weight Watchers and lost about 15 pounds. I’ve kept it off – I’m a “lifer” now. Several things help me – I walk , lift weights, and am mindful about what I eat. When tempted, I ask myself this: “What do you want? What do you really want?” It keeps me focused on what will really make me happy – looking nice in my clothes, rather than the short term pleasure of a brownie or you name it. Also emotional eating just doesn’t work – wish it did! There’s a certain amount of sacrifice involved, but it gets easier with time and for me it’s less tiring than feeling guilty and worrying about my weight all the time. You are a dear and lovely person for sharing with us. Don’t change a thing about the inner you!
Sal – thanks! Once LBR’s post made it clear that it really comes down to self-care, the path was obvious to me.
Vix – it really is such a loaded topic, and I think I’ve been trying to walk a line that’s just a bit divergent from how I truly feel. I still believe that people come in all shapes and sizes, and each woman must decide for herself how to best take care of these bodies we’ve been given. The universe tends toward chaos, and energy must always be expended in just maintaining order. When I look at it metaphysically, I take it less personally.
😉
LBR – I can’t thank you enough for this and all of your honest and courageous posts. You’ve truly been a guiding light.
Toby Wollin – very interesting observation about Clinton; I wasn’t aware of that. While I enjoy good health currently, I also want to continue to be active and healthy well into my old age. This feels like one good step toward that end.
Anonymous – I’m so glad this helped you gain some clarity. Thank you so much for reading and for your feedback!
WendyB – heh. dry cornflakes will never a donut be. I think we’ve ALL done this at one time or another!
metscan – thank you for your kind words. I’m not looking to be very thin, just to feel more at home in my body. I also agree that most women our age do look a bit better with a little bit of flesh on the bones.
hostess – I appreciate your support. Right now, I’m back to doing Weight Watchers, and also trying to minimize my intake of processed foods. WW has worked for me in the past, and I like the flexibility. But different things work for different people. You can do WW solely online and don’t have to attend meetings if they’re not your “thing.”
Anonymous – thanks so much for your understanding. I’m still trying to be realistic about my weight and taking the genetic factors into account. I know this won’t change my entire life or be a magical solution, but the bottom line is that I want to feel at home in my body again.
Frugal Scholar – I think it’s normal for women to lose the waistline a bit after menopause. From what I understand, the health problems are related to women who carry extra weight in an “apple” shape, and where the fat is visceral, or internal. According to my doctor, “love handles” or when the fat accumulates right under the skin aren’t a concern.
Leslie – thanks so much for sharing your tips and experience, and for your kind support! It’s very helpful.
Susan Tiner – I think we all have to navigate through demands on our time and money. I see a lot of looks that I really admire, but just can’t or won’t duplicate myself. Some days I feel like doing a full face of makeup, and other days I can’t be bothered, and barely get out the door with eyebrows! Best of luck with your regime!
I am reading this post with trepadation, because I’m kind of in the same boat. I successfully lost 15 pounds 5 years ago with WW and it took 2 years to put it back on. I have held steady at my current weight ever since. Funny, thought I was thrilled at my accomplishment back then, now I feel like I couldn’t achieve it now – which is nonsense, of course.
I have a question about the comments, though – why exactly is weight at the waist considered unhealthy? As opposed to any other location in the body?
I like your blog very much. Tres interresante
Yes, I do the very same thing. I’ll manage to get down a pound or two or three, and I’ll catch myself that evening thinking, “Oh, well since I’m obviously getting control and losing a bit, it’s okay to have this glass of wine or extra helping or piece of chocolate, or whatever.” When really, I’d feel much happier with myself longer term if I kept the scales moving downward. And I know that when I really committed to WW a few years back, I felt much better when I diverted attention from food to the areas that really needed it (rest, better entertainment, more time with friends, etc.,).
As LPC says, our culture does not make it easy to eat correctly, and I’m very skeptical of anyone who suggests we trust our natural appetites, love our bodies as they are, etc., because we are so very far removed from knowing what natural might be. You are wise enough, I know, to maintain balance while you work toward what makes you feel better — all the best in that journey!
Oh, dear Pseu, please do NOT “diet”. Dieting does nary a thing except to convince your body that there’s a famine on, and cause it to store up fat even more greedily than ever. When said “famine” is over, the wise body readjusts it’s internal idea of “healthy weight” to a higher level, just in case another famine looms.
If you desire to shed some pounds (as I need to do at the moment as well), it’s best to do it via changing WHAT you eat and adding in more (groan) exercise.
It’s dull and I hate it, but in order not to cause my already pokey metabolic furnace to turn itself down even further, it’s what Must Be Done. I’m attempting to avoid all overly processed foods, eat more closely in line with Real Food, cook more, eat out less, and (ugh) get myself moving much more often.
On another side note, your blood sugar and lipid levels are much better indicators of health than the number on the scale. Don’t let it be judge and jury. How you feel and what your heart is doing are the important things.
Bel’s post resonated with me, too. She is an astute observer, no?
Glad you’ve entrusted us with this personal realization, and kudos for identifying the root of your restlessness. Hugs to you, lady.
I have to tell you that when I was writing about my journey from self-loathing to the harsh light of self-awareness that it really didn’t occur to me that my post would inspire anyone else to confront their own issues around body and weight.
I am so happy you feel so emboldened and that you have made a decision that feels right for you. I love this post and it has worked to further inspire me to be aware( I love how this circle of inspiration continues).
Thanks so much, Deja!
Aunt Snow – I think for a long time I’ve wanted to work on this but dreaded the effort. I hit the point where the frustration of staying the same seemed harder than the effort to change. If you’re healthy and happy, then maybe there’s no need to put yourself through the effort right now?
The Clever Pup – merci bien! I like your blog too and have added to my blogroll. Thanks for stopping by!
materfamilias – I agree that a diet high in processed foods probably skews our internal guidance systems. But I still think there’s some value to learning to listen to our bodies, especially when it comes to knowing if we’re hungry (or bored, angry, anxious, etc) and knowing when we’re full. Unfortunately, learning these things hasn’t made me any thinner, and that’s where some guidelines come in.
cafelatte – I promise that I’m not restricting to the point that I’m going to crash my metabolism. And I have cut way back on processed foods. I have no aversion to exercise, but unfortunately don’t have time to do much more than I’m already doing, though I am trying to get out and walk on my lunch hour. I’m trying to do this in a measured, but moderate way. Thank you.
Terri – ah, if only sweeping was all it took for me…. 🙂
I read your post. I also read what LBR wrote in her blog. The weight issue is a big issue. I believe two people of same height, same sex and age might have a different weight and yet feel at home with themselves. I have gained some weight this past year. I dislike it. But my face looks better-I think ; ) I know I´ll never manage to get back to where I was, not sure if I even want to, but this middle section should be thinner. Weight on the waist is a health issue. I admit, that I really have not done any dieting, there have been so much more important things in my life the last year. The pictures I have seen of you, all look charming. You look great at the weight you now have. There is no need for you to loose weight. Just a bit extra looks better on a woman of a certain age. I understand your need to loose some pounds, as I too have the desire. I wish you the luck, just don´t be too hard on yourself!
Think you have hit the nail on the head with this post – very thought provoking – re : satisfaction and gratification. And I also think you have to be in the right mindset to begin a weight loss regime which you certainly are with your heart and head fully aligned – ‘courage mon brave!!'(or should it be Ma Brave? – no, don’t think sounds right?!)
Like metscan, I am gaining around the middle–dangerous for health. It seems unfair since I have not gained any weight. I’ve never made much (any) effort with weight, after seeing my parents suffer through chronic dieting, without permanent results. I was very thin in early adulthood (21-40), then suddenly gained 20 pounds (to 135) without noticing! I have been there ever since (I am 56).
I guess I need to attend to my middle, since it is unhealthy to have fat there. This sounds like a replay of Kim Gross and her alien, I realize. But the middle is a hard place for weight gain–curvy people get more curves with weight gain, which is, I think, attractive.
Good luck.
Well, if ever there was a post Miss J could relate to… Miss J’s latest diet (oh, that loathsome word) was so strict she ended up bingeing on the weekends as “compensation”. And its no wonder, some days between burning 600 cals in a workout and restricting food, she was netting 800 calories. Awesome! Now here she is with a month to fit into the Helen Shane dress for her improvised soap opera & realizing it ain’t gonna happen. So she’s doing the radical- changing the dress! In the meantime, she’s back on salads but in a much more moderate fashion.
She wishes Miss Pseu the best with her endeavor. May she find satisfaction!
I too prefer your rumination posts, and like you, I too was inspired by LBR’s ideas about permissiveness and food. Your post has given me further insight. I was wondering if my slacker attitude towards beauty and fashion might have something to do with being an achieveaholic or if it is authentic minimalism. I do enjoy how much time and money I save not overly concerning myself with fashion and beauty. This is time and money I can and do apply to other pursuits. But when does this kind of minimalism switch from being an indication of a healthy sense of priorities to being an indication of neglecting self care? LBR’s post made me take stock. Waist shouldn’t be greater than 35 but is 38 inches. BMI is 28 and should not be greater than 25. As of her post I’ve given up alcohol for the time being until BMI = 25. I am also accounting for calories and have designed a new exercise regime. Consider me another woman sharing your determination to make some changes.
Pseu: I am most interested to read this post. I have restrained myself from posting cynically on this and other blogs when the “love your body as it is” conversation comes up. I accept that I won’t look like I did when I was 30, before I had kids. But at age 53 and 50 lb. overweight, I can’t possibly “love my body as it is.” I look terrible and I know it, plus it isn’t healthy either. I am just having an infernally difficult time motivating myself to commit to a serious change. I did about four months of pretty decent effort earlier this year, eating relatively healthy and exercising quite a bit more, and lost a grand total of five pounds. VERY discouraging. Maybe I’ll get some motivation from hearing about your efforts. My opinion of Weight Watchers, by the way: I did it after my second child was born, and lost 35 pounds (sadly, quit doing it and gained all back, plus 15 more.) I still think it’s an excellent program, especially for people who don’t really know how to eat sensibly. My only objection is that they do push their packaged foods quite a lot, and that’s all highly processed junk. I mentioned it in a meeting once, and the leader was taken aback. Fresh, unprocessed, home cooked food is the way to go, if you have the time and organizational skills to do it. Good luck Pseu!
Semi Expat – thanks so much! I think mindset is so important when lifestyle changes are involved.
Miss Janey – 800calories …yikes! That’s like the starvation diets I used to do back in HS. Please do take care of yourself, and alter that dress to your heart’s content. (You look great to me, so don’t let that bitch of a dress put you off your game!)
Jill Ann – I think every woman has to decide for herself how to best take care of her body and spirit. For some women, weight just isn’t that big of a deal and that’s OK, but if it is, there’s no point in pretending otherwise. I agree about the WW products, so full of high fructose corn syrup and junk! I steer clear! Where WW helps me even when I’m generally eating in a healthy way is to provide some structure and a way to track my intake. I’ve been trying to drop pounds on my own, and like you, up until now have had very little success. I’m hopeful this will shake things loose.
I have taken up sweeping, outdoors and in, to keep the waist under control.
The analogy to getting up and going to work is apt.
Good for you! (I don’t see a major difference b/t satisfaction and gratification, it’s just whether one can defer either, to me that’s the difference between maturity and immaturity.) WW teaches good strategies for deferral (banking points).
Suggest you donate the camoflage clothes, they just drag you down.
Like Vix, your rumination posts are my favorites, because they’re so thought provoking. Thank you for this one.
If I could follow Leslie’s advice of asking before eating anything, “what do you really want?”, I could rid myself of those last pesky 7 – 8 pounds and stop bouncing five pounds up and down. Perhaps taping this question to the pantry door and the fridge would be a good idea!
Regular exercise would help too.
Somewhere we got the idea that we should be able to eat anything we want. Where did that come from? We don’t drink anything we want or buy anything we want, or have triste’s…is that the right word?…with anyone we want. As Ellen De Generes used to say in her act: “Are we EVER supposed to eat ALL WE CAN EAT?”
I read somewhere that when we are living for what we want, there will always be frustration. Instead, live by what you know. It is more powerful.
What I know is that with experience (age) comes new choices I am lead to make. What I choose to consume food wise, and clothes wise, (and maybe partner wise :)!) does change. It needs to change.
I too, want to encourage you not to diet, but instead to make choices that reflect a love of self. Your well written post resonated with truth, with self insight. Just continue on in this way. But whichever, I wish you health and well being! Thank you for your post.
Duchesse – thank you for your support. Yes, I’ll definitely donate the camo!
Kathy – it’s hard sometimes, isn’t it, to remember our long-range goals? I think reminders, whether visual or otherwise are a great idea!
judy – so true! I think for me, being around people who have never struggled with weight and do seem to eat whatever they want can make one want to feel “normal” like them. I’m starting to understand that my “normal” may be different than someone else’s. I think most of us do make better choices with time, at least I hope we do! Thank you for your kind and supportive comment.
One of my favorite ways of managing my sweet tooth I learned in Paris: buy a block of dark chocolat and eat 1 oz. after a satisfying dinner as dessert. When I buy good quality dark chocolate–not drugstore stuff–but with a high cocoa count, I am very satisfied. Doesn’t always work…
Oh Pseu, it’s a hard thing losing weight. but I know you can do it. You have to be up for the struggle, because it is so much of a battle of will. It can be exhausting, can’t it. But like you say, the structure and discipline will spill over into the other areas of your life, actually freeing you.
Fabulous blog!!
Cecile
Lots to think about here!