Weekend Update

First the disappointing news: the dress arrived yesterday and is going right back. Apparently this line runs VERY small. I’d figured of course it would be too snug at my current weight, but the moment I opened the package and held it up, I knew that short of achieving my mid-twenties-post-divorce-bout-of-anorexia-weight, there was no way that slender garment would ever zip, let alone look right. The size I ordered was supposed to correlate in European sizing to my own, but I couldn’t even get my arm all the way into the sleeve. (I’d guess the fit was actually about two sizes smaller than what I normally wear.) Regarding the dress itself, the fabric is lovely and it seems to be quite well made. Still, I can’t imagine anyone paying the original price of $605; it’s just not that special. So the search continues.

The better news: things are going well with Weight Watchers. After the first week, I passed beyond the hungry-enough-to-gnaw-your-own-arm-off phase, and adjusting my plan to include a good chunk of protein at lunch seems to have vanquished the late afternoon bouts of hypoglycemia I experienced the first few days. I’ve dropped four pounds in about 2½ weeks, and though I know that rate will taper off, it’s enough so that my clothes are fitting less like sausage casings.

In all honesty, it was a relief to finally acknowledge the degree to which this extra weight has been bothering me, and to commit to work on it. (And thanks to all of you who wrote such supportive comments!) I’ve thought a lot about why that was so hard for me to do, despite my frustration and dissatisfaction with my appearance. Ultimately, that reluctance comes from fear. First, I have a lot of good friends who are committed to non-dieting (often as a part of recovery from eating disorders, and my own experience tells me that learning to eat intuitively is absolutely a necessary part of the healing process), and I’ve been afraid of disappointing them by “going over to the Dark Side,” as we used to say. I’ve had many people in my life who have become judgemental, self-righteous and more than a bit obnoxious after losing weight. I was afraid of becoming one of those people. Finally, my own experience of being eating disordered through my teens and twenties, and the way it shrunk my world down to calories, grams and pounds is something I’ve never wanted to repeat. Two decades of food and weight obsession left me with an adversarial relationship with my body and boatloads of free-floating anxiety which took years to overcome. I’ve been afraid of undoing that fragile peace, and reigniting a life-diminishing obsession.

It’s still early in the process, but none of those things I fear seem to have manifested yet. I’m able to go about my day without thinking constantly about what I’ve eaten or when I get to eat next (planning out meals in advance certainly helps with this), and I’m not hopping on and off the scale every hour, or even every day. I’m still committed to seeing beauty in all sizes, and believing that everyone knows for themselves what’s best for their own bodies. I know that my weight is not a measure of my worth. I’m able to eat “real” food, including eating out, and am not feeling deprived or anxious. So far, so good.
Maybe it’s never to late to achieve that sense of bien dans sa peau.
~
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16 Comments

  1. April 11, 2009 / 1:47 pm

    Too bad about the dress, but the balance you’re at re acceptance and control of your body is so much more important. When I went to WW years ago, it was after struggling over the same concerns, especially because I have 3 daughters and I didn’t want them to pick up more body issues from me than I could help. It’s a fine balance, tough to manage, so congrats to you for managing it so gracefully.

  2. April 11, 2009 / 1:57 pm

    Well, I’m disappointed about the dress, but really pleased to hear things are going so well with the WW.

  3. April 11, 2009 / 4:37 pm

    Way to go, Pseu! It’s amazing how much easier it is when you’re totally committed. And how hard it is to get into that committed state of mind sometimes.

  4. April 11, 2009 / 7:21 pm

    Too bad about the dress! However, you’ve already mentioned that you’re not much of a dress person, so maybe it’s for the best.

    Congrats on your WW progress. I think you’re going about this in the right way. And it’s ultimately about being healthy, right?

  5. April 11, 2009 / 8:18 pm

    So far, so good is right. Sounds like you’re doing great.

  6. metscan
    April 11, 2009 / 4:24 pm

    I´m pleased to hear that you have made a good start in the WW. Maybe you should have kept the dress, I mean with the pace your loosing your pounds 🙂

  7. Completely Alienne
    April 11, 2009 / 11:08 pm

    Well done on the weight loss front. I am doing the same and finding that it gets easier because you are succeeding in losing some – so it is worthwhile carrying on. As you say, you do adjust to eating less as well which makes it easier. Keep going.

  8. Karen
    April 12, 2009 / 1:39 am

    I am so glad you like WW–It changed my life.

  9. April 12, 2009 / 11:58 am

    Deja – you sound like you have the right mindset – and that says a lot!

    Good luck with it.

  10. Katriona
    April 12, 2009 / 6:52 pm

    I concur, too bad abt. the dress, but you know—garments are like buses; there’ll be another one along in twenty minutes. (this does not apply to Hermes scarves, I am sad to say.) But good on you abt the new commitment to your lovely healthy body!!! What is nice about getting a few lbs off is that it makes EVERYTHING else easier –wearing clothes, walking , dancing, making love. It’s like having your body’s shirt tucked in. And it sounds like you are in the psychological “zone”right now. I salute you– you’re an inspiration to us all!!

  11. April 12, 2009 / 10:45 pm

    There WILL be another LBD!

    Sounds like you are a different person than the last Pseu who entered WW doors.

    One day at work i declined a cookie saying I had eaten my points (well I was saving for dinner but they don’t need to know the whole drill) and one of the guys said, “Well, get more points.” I thought that was SO male and also so funny!

    My attachment to WW was largely economic. I looked at the cost of the clothes I could no longer zip up, and was aghast. I loved my clothes and was distressed thsat I couldn’t wear them.

  12. April 13, 2009 / 10:56 pm

    mater – thanks, and even though I don’t have any daughters, I know what you mean about body image and not wanting to be a bad role model. It feels a bit new to be in this place of strong committment without the obsessiveness.

    StyleSpy – thanks!

    Metscan – seriously, I would’ve had to lose more weight than what I think I could reasonably maintain in order to squeeze into the dress. I know I’ll find something better suited to me down the road.

  13. April 13, 2009 / 11:05 pm

    Rita – exactly! Once the committment is there, a lot of the day-to-day choices just fall into place.

    Nancy – it’s funny, when I was younger I was a dress person, then around my mid-30’s just hit the wall and couldn’t bear to wear pantyhose anymore. And couldn’t wear shoes without hosiery, so…

    Yes, it’s about being healthy too, but as my “numbers” (cholesterol, BP, etc.) weren’t much impacted, vanity is what pushed me over the edge.

  14. April 13, 2009 / 11:08 pm

    WendyB – thanks!

    Completely Alienne – glad to hear you’re doing well too. Yes, once the new habits begin to take hold, it’s easier.

    Karen – well, you’re still setting a good example!

  15. April 13, 2009 / 11:09 pm

    Imogen – thanks!

    Katriona – thanks so much, and yes, I do feel a sense of physical as well as mental relief to have shed a few pounds.

  16. April 13, 2009 / 11:11 pm

    Duchesse – yes, it didn’t take much to realize this dress just wasn’t meant to be, and that something better is still out there. And yes, it was that distress about not being able to wear my favorite items that was a primary motivator!

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