hostess gifts: etiquette & ideas
I’ll be honest, I’ve often been flummoxed by having to select a “hostess gift.” Growing up, I don’t remember adults discussing, buying or bringing hostess gifts, unless it was a can of nuts for the bridge game, or a bottle of something “spiritual” for the bar. Once I hit adulthood, my friends mostly entertained casually and spontaneously, as in “hey, we bought an extra pound of linguica and are firing up the grill, come on over!” You’d grab a six pack of your favorite microbrew on the way over, maybe a bag of chips, done and done.
Currently for family and people we know well, a bottle of favorite wine or bubbly has been our go-to gift.
But if your host/hostess either doesn’t drink or has an intimidating wine cellar already, or the event is a daytime one, or you just aren’t sure, it’s good to have a few other ideas in your back pocket.
From experience on the receiving end, and a little research both online and among friends, I’ve adopted the following guidelines for hostess gifts.
- It should be something that doesn’t require immediate attention. A bouquet of flowers that suddenly needs a vase while the host/hostess is busy putting out hors d’oeuvres, or a dessert that requires immediate re-arranging to find freezer space…not the most helpful.
- Items that can be used for current or future entertaining are appropriate. Coasters, napkin rings (be sure to get at least a set of 4 unless you know your recipients collect and use random ones) bottle toppers, bar tools and even pretty dishtowels are all nice options.
- Keep presentation simple. Even if you group small items in a gift bag or basket, don’t wrap each individually. It should be easy to open and not require any assembly.
- I’ve become cautious about giving “home fragrance” items, due to many people’s sensitivities to fragrances, or aversion to certain ones. Likewise scented candles or bath items, unless you know the recipient is fond of them.
- If you do bring wine or a beverage, the host/hostess is under no obligation to open and serve it. They may have carefully paired foods and beverages, or may have already opened the wines or prepared the drinks that will be served.
- Home-made gifts are always lovely, but even more so if they can be opened or used long after the holiday decorations and gift wrap have been packed away. With so many food gifts circulating this time of year, those rum balls may get lost (and go stale) in the shuffle. Jams, jellies, preserves, pickles, salsas…these are all wonderful options.
- Think about the gift you’re considering in relation to the level of formality and effort being expended by the host/hostess. A casual wine-and-cheese tasting or neighborhood chili cook-off might warrant a different gift than a formal dinner party or weekend stay.
Now here’s a question for you, as I haven’t found much consensus. If you’re invited to a pot-luck or requested to bring a dish, do you also bring a hostess gift? (My thinking is yes, but I’m curious to know what you think.)
What are some of your favorite hostess gifts to either give or receive?
MORE IDEAS…
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If I am asked to bring a dish, I do not also bring a hostess gift. One of my favorite hostess gifts is a breakfast treat (homemade or store bought) for the hosts to enjoy the next morning. Perhaps a pound of coffee or a tin of tea and a coffee cake.
I LOVE to give gifts to a host! They’ve gone to all the trouble to clean, cook, open their home. Depending on the type of party, is the deciding factor of the gift…If it’s “pot luck” then I might bring some funny paper cocktail napkins, a snazzier shindig and I’ll bring a snazzier gift…I like to bring things that I LOVE…1) The VOLCANO candle from Anthropologie – if they don’t like it, it’s perfect to “re-gift”, 2) a cute tea towel wrapped around a bottle of wine or prosecco…3) A nice olive oil or vinegar in a wine bag…4) cloth cocktail napkins 5) a basket/box of muffins or bread for breakfast the next morning 6) a cute apron…which I’ll wear when helping to clean up and then I leave behind! My criteria for a great gift is something you don’t have to dust and is consumable!
The fragrance comment is so true – when I was working in an office, I had to completely quit wearing perfume because of the numerous sensitivities among my coworkers. Someone giving them scented candles as a gift would be a sad waste of kind thoughts!
hugs,
Janice
I give gifts whether they’re expected or not. It’s simply a symbol of appreciation. There are numerous appropriate gifts one can find in places like Williams Sonoma, Pottery Barn, etc.
Oh, and lately I’ve been giving collections of spices from Penzeys.
I love to bring napkins (IHR if I can find them) as a hostess/host gift….and love receiving pretty, funny, or unusual napkins too!
I’m with Ann – bring a treat for the next morning. My favorite is a bag of the local roast coffee and maybe a couple of hand-thrown pottery mugs.
I recently hosted a workday casual brunch (bagels/coffee/fruit salad/etc) at my house for an East Coast colleague who was visiting the Bay Area on vacation. I invited my staff so that they could meet him.
The guest of honor gifted me small bottles of boutique olive oil and balsamic vinegar. They were such perfect gifts because they don’t create more clutter for me – I will use them up and be rid of them – and they’re special enough that I wouldn’t have bought them for myself.
He took no credit for the idea. He had just been visiting his sister who insisted he do this. 🙂
Great post, Susan, I am actually currently working on similar gift ideas!
I no longer bring flowers as I find them so expensive compared with the time they last! I might use a single flower and some green leaves for decoration though.
Amongst my all-year-round gifts are beauty products like hand creams or shower gels (preferably for sensitive skin to be on the safe side), kitchen stuff like spices and herbs, organic honey or jam paired with napkins in a seasonal design and anything local/regional.
Annette | Lady of Style
We always take a gift when we attend a “soiree” in France. Luckily we have a “Maison du mode” nearby which is full of gorgeous and very suitable little trinkets. I bring some back home when we travel by car and keep them stocked in the cupboard.
So lovely, I don’t think people think of hostess gifts anymore. Sometimes, if the invitation is on the spot, I’ll usually send flowers the next day to thank the host for a lovely dinner.
Monica.
We never gave nor received hostess gifts when I was growing up. I believe a lot of this was started by retailers trying to get people to spend more money. From the etiquette books I’ve read, hostess gifts are only required if you are staying overnight. This makes sense, as the outlay is significantly higher than for a party. For regular events, the expectation is that one day you will return the favor, so no gift is required. Potlucks fall within this category – you are bringing food to help the host(ess) and someday you will host a party.
Oh yes, by all means bring a gift to the hostess of a pot luck as well. I always do to help make up for the spam-marshmallow-turnip surprise jello I bring, made with my own loving hands and unthawed special for the occasion. Perhaps in this case I should bring pharmaceutical gifts to help the hostess forget I was ever there. Hm.
On an almost serious note, perhaps a hostess gift registry would help, like they have for brides, for hostesses who always entertain. Or a points card for an expensive gift later.
I think coffee as a gift is lovely. And I like to write and receive handwritten notes.
My favorite hostess gift to give and to receive is a fancy bottle of olive oil, sometimes flavored with something like rosemary or basil.
And I couldn’t agree more about a bunch of flowers, which I find incredibly annoying as I have to look for a vase and somewhere to put it, etc. I do flowers before guests arrive, and don’t want some big bouquet taking up time and space.
II like to bring a good,luxurious dish. (Ever notice that people rarely bring lamb lollipops or seared beef and parmesan salad?) If you bring a gift, I like linen dishtowels. Everyone’s get ratty. I think of them as a consumable, and that is the only category of gift I would offer in this case. Also, if your host has animals, a good bone or toy is a nice thought… gifts are not only for humans.
Renzo agrees! Though at almost 19, it would be more a food treat than a new toy.
Great ideas and tips! I usually pick up items at estate sales that remind me of a hostess or friend, and keep them for birthdays of dinner parties. It’s fun for me and fun for my friends.
I agree about the flowers, too much work when you’re busy with other things. I bring a hostess gift, but not when it’s a potluck. But I always write a thank you note afterwards. I rarely have to get hostess gifts, as I am usually the one hosting!
I like your new blog design.
You can come to my parties any time:).
As some one who loves to entertain, it actually makes me uncomfortable when people bring a gift. I simply want our friends and family to spend time with us. I would be cooking a meal anyway, and entertaining is always a good excuse to pick up the house a bit. I want our guests to spend a relaxing evening with us – have the night off so to speak – and not have to feel like they need to go out shopping and spend money. That said, if someone wants to bring a bottle of wine, hey, I’m in. Sometimes we drink it with dinner, sometimes not, but I’ve started writing the gifter’s name on the labels if we don’t drink it that night we can reminisce about the evening our friends brought the wine.
Oh goodness, don’t bring flowers. If you bring them boxed or wrapped, the hostess has to stop and deal, and if you bring an arrangement, you have implied she doesn’t know how to arrange flowers herself. (Sending a simple arrangement the next day is acceptable, though.)
Cloth cocktail napkins are a distinctive gift, especially vintage ones. My current favorite is to bring a bottle of an unusual aperitif or a sparkling wine and to say quietly, “This is for you to enjoy by yourselves.” Never allow your hostess to feel as though she has to serve a drink you brought!
Oh yes, I so agree about no flowers unless they’re already in a vase and presentable! While they’re beautiful, they require immediate attention that I probably don’t have at the moment. And as for bringing a potluck dish, if I’m asked to bring one, I don’t necessarily feel the need to bring a hostess gift. Fortunately, I’m at an age where friends rarely do potlucks anymore. I know this may be very contentious, but I feel that if you’re going to throw a party, then throw a party. Don’t ask your guests to cook your dinner. But if they do, I’m more than pleased to help out.
My mother always brought hosted gifts and I was told never to go to a party at someones home empty handed. I like to give nice soap and hand lotion, a small plant or seasonal tea towels or small decorations. It can be harder if I don’t know the person. You can also send flowers the day after thanking the host for a lovely visit or the day before. You should not expect the host to serve any food or wine you bring as they have already planned the occasion. I will accuse retailers of many things but not of encouraging hostess gifts. For what it is worth, my mom was born in 1926.
This is really good information, Susan. Thank you.
I personally don’t expect hostess gifts but recently decided to bring at least an appreciation gift when a friend didn’t want me to contribute to her lunch meal. I went to my favorite store and spent a good while to select a really nice gift. The gift was not opened in my presence (which is fine), but it was also never mentioned again, nor did I receive any kind of thank you. This was a very small gathering, btw. I did send a short thank you note the day after to show my appreciation but in all honesty, I feel disappointed that she did not mention my gift, especially since it is not the first time. It just leaves a bad aftertaste and I need to find a way to move on.